30 Minutes a Day

So after I felt like I had been the world’s shittiest parent I knew I needed help with my son processing how he was feeling.  The guilt around this whole scenario was overwhelming (refer to blog – Hollywood Movie). My self-talk was pretty much burning myself at the stake and prosecuting myself to some life sentence. Despite everything I had read and been taught at University, I honestly thought I was a shit parent and I had successfully screwed up my child for life.

So with the reluctant husband in tow we (well it should read ‘I’) found a therapist that we felt comfortable with and trusted enough to talk about our shit parenting and sufferings of our child. As with most men, my husband felt like we could handle things at home and that in time everything would be back too normal. Whilst that was a beautiful thought, I knew after working with loads of traumatised kids that we needed to give our child some professional support and a chance to talk to someone that would listen to whatever he said or felt. We also needed help as parents to learn ways to support him and nurture him.

Session number one was disaster. Even though I knew our son needed help, there was a huge part of me that was searching for validation and a pat on the back or even a statement telling me ‘you are good enough and you are doing a good job’. Well my expectations weren’t further from reality!!!!

This therapist we had chosen was a woman I had worked with in the past and she was well respected and very smart. So I think I convinced myself that she would tell us as parents that we were awesome and the stress of our lives wasn’t our fault and it was really up to our son to go through the motions. Oh no no no no no. After telling our story, our concerns and giving a run- down of our day to day lives she said, “Jen could you honestly say you spend 30 minutes a day with your child?”. I remember thinking “what is this lady smoking? Has she not been listening? Why aren’t we cutting to the chase and you telling me some strategies to manage his behaviour?”

So in my true arrogant style I comfortably rattled of 50 things that I do with and for my child and was secure that my response well exceeded this whole 30 minutes! And then she says “That’s not what I mean. I mean when do you actually sit and spend 30 minutes a day quality time with your son?” The room was silent and my husband and I looked at each other and said nothing.

And then I got angry. Years of learnt behaviour has taught me to be quite skilled at masking my emotions, so I promptly said “well that’s a good homework exercise for us to work on”. She made another appointment – and I picked a date and time that I knew I couldn’t attend- and I had already made up my mind I wasn’t going to see her ever again.

I went home and talked to my husband and we were both of the notion we were awesome parents and what the hell did she know anyway. But after several days, I couldn’t shake the therapists statement about 30 mins a day.

I had convinced myself I was a good mum and I had done the same thing year after year with the intention that I wanted my children to have opportunities and have a great life. I worked five days a week 8-5pm. What this actually meant is I got the kids up 6am, left the house at 7am, dropped them off at before school care, worked all day, picked them up from after school care, raced them to their activities which included soccer practice, swim squad and acting lessons. We would usually be home by 6.30pm, I would feed them by 7pm, bath and homework somewhere in between all that and have them in bed by 7.30pm. My husband was working 6 days a week and he would usually leave before the kids woke and would be home when we got home.  My life was full and I was on a tight schedule. God forbid the kids forgot their lunch box or hat or homework- I would lose my shit! Life was busy.
I had somehow somewhere along the way convinced myself that this was life and I was doing all this for my family.  After all I never did anything for myself – I never went out, hardly saw my friends and I wasn’t keen on seeing family as it was always full of drama.  I went to church, grocery shopped at the same time every week, walked the dogs and cleaned the house. I dreamt of having an affair with a book on a beach somewhere and prayed that the day would come that I could have breakfast in peace.

When I finally stopped being annoyed at the therapist, I was able to have an ounce of reflection albeit for a second and it all just slapped me in the face so hard. I remember sitting in my cupboard crying with the realisation that the therapist was right. I couldn’t even count 30 minutes in a week that I spent with my kids!!!!!

I went back to the therapist and we talked about my reflective moment and things that needed to change. I told her she was right and I hated hearing it. I felt like shit already trying to process my son’s words about ‘remembering me as a mum that always worked’ and now this. The therapist reminded me that the whole reason for going to see her in the first place wasn’t about me, it was about what my son and children needed.

At first I really didn’t think I could change anything. Maybe reduce my kid’s sports? Maybe get my husband to help more? Maybe take some leave from work?  But truth be told everything had to change. I had to change the way I thought, change what was happening every day and I had to change the fact that I was living for the future and not the present. I needed to slow down, say ‘no’ more often, do less and enjoy the kids.  Whilst it took me a while to realise this worldly notion, it took me longer to make the changes we needed to in the house.

But we did it. I cut down the kid’s extracurricular activities to only one sport each. I left my job and found another where I worked no longer than 3pm and I spent time getting to know my kids and enjoying them.  My son went to see the therapist for a few months and she fed back to us what he was feeling so we could make changes in our family.

Things got better, a lot better. My kids were happier, my husband was happier and I felt as though I was a step closer to balance. So although we went through all our adversity I really believe it all happened for a reason. I see the world and people differently. I understand how much it hurts when your kids are in pain and I understand what it means to feel like you are a shit parent. But it is never too late to make even subtle changes in your home for yourself, your marriage or your children.

Could you honestly say you spend 30 minutes a day with your children?

Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places

– Jen

 

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The Hollywood Movie

Some years ago my life went through a real transition. Everything changed for me as a person. And although I am going to share with you some of my story, my goal in sharing is not about pity or wanting to be victim. It is about how sharing how going through adversity isn’t the end and that through adversity you can become stronger, you can see things clearer, you can learn and you can be more mindful.

I called this blog a ‘Hollywood Movie’ because when I finally shared my story with a friend one day, she said “OMG that shit just sounds like a Hollywood Movie”. She was right, but it wasn’t a movie it was my life and a struggle we had to go through to get to the other side. And I probably need to point out that I have worked hard at processing all this stuff but I am very mindful of my sensitivities and triggers to some things. Yes, my past does rear its ugly head sometimes.

So in the space of two years the following happened:

  • In our quest to have another baby, I suffered five miscarriages. Absolutely devastating for me as a woman. I hardly spoke about it and after every procedure or loss, I got up the next day and went back to work. I suffered alone mostly and didn’t really talk to other people about how I felt. The inability to control my fertility and our desire to have another baby when we couldn’t, was just awful.
  • We finally fell pregnant, the pregnancy was very tricky and I had a premature baby. Okay, we hear that people have premmie babies all the time but no one prepared me as to how hard this road would be and the emotional toll it would take on me and our family. For the first two years of our daughters’ life she was in and out of hospital due to breathing issues and viruses and there were days on end that I wouldn’t sleep because I felt I needed to watch over her so she could breathe. There were days I wouldn’t sleep at all and then get ready to go to work the next day and would pay someone else to watch her.
  • We had previously bought an investment property as we were so keen to ‘be smart’ with our money and plan for the future. That plan didn’t go to plan as we hadn’t thought of variables such as having a sick infant. So as the financial pressure built up within our household and I was having so much time off on parental leave, I pushed my husband into selling the investment property. It had made a significant equity and my thought was that it would ease financial pressure. Oh how wrong I was……… The property had a fixed interest rate and although the house sold within a week, I wasn’t aware that I had to pay the bank back the fixed rate. So we sold the property and gave the bank $80,000 and walked away with stuff all. Lesson learnt – not a good idea to sell the investment property without advice. The financial pressure did not ease and my husband was definitely not happy.
  • A close family member with a significant mental illness decided that I was the target of their rage. And despite my genuine attempts to help and support, I became the physical punching bag and emotional punching bag. Police and solicitors and psychiatrists were involved and it was messy! Having been physically attacked several times was pretty scary, but I never talked about it and kept going. I went to work every day and covered the bruises as best I could.
  • My parents got divorced and that was really messy. I fought with my siblings and became passionate about my own views and values as I wanted them to be more involved than they were, in supporting our parents. That quest didn’t work. And as a therapist, some people leaned on me more than others and I felt it was my role to support them and hold their feelings.
  • My husband’s parents got divorced too. And that was messy. Years of tensions built up and different family members took sides. We also fought with the family and my husband’s siblings. There was conflict all around us. We were so angry at everyone that it was hard to see the forest through the trees. My therapy skills were not so helpful during this phase as emotions take over and it is difficult to be impartial.
  • My husband had a work accident and required months of physical rehabilitation and then was made redundant. Talk about stressful. No job and no income and no one wanted to hire him cause he had been on work cover. He did eventually get work, but the weeks in between seemed to go on forever and the financial emotional stress was definitely taking its toll.
  • Then the big one……. a client at work tried to kill me and then threatened to kill my children. Yes, sad and confronting but true. I can’t say too much about it for legal reasons, but this event single handedly changed my life. Police and detectives and politicians and commissioners were all involved. It was a long process to go through the court system and get a crash course in how the system works. What I didn’t know was the lack of empathy and lack of understanding that those around me had about our situation (not entirely their fault though as I always greeted everyone with a smile and put one foot in front of the other). They never talk about it in movies, but the effect that this kind of thing has on you mentally and physically is underestimated and rarely talked about.   But in my true fashion, I waited for the dust to settle and in a few short weeks I went back to work. I kept saying to myself ‘I need to get back on the horse’. So the days began again working 8-5pm five days a week. No one ever asked me how I was doing (I sometimes think people don’t know what to say or aren’t able to handle what you say) and with all the family drama that was in the background, no one really understood what I was going though personally. My husband was angry at what happened to me and his perceived inability to protect his family. I was trying to support him and I cried in silence.
  • Then a few weeks after going back to work, I get a phone call from my son’s school. They were having issues with his behaviour and he was apparently very emotional and teary (out of character for him). So I went to the school with the notion in my head that someone must be picking on him or hurting him in some way (definitely not my finest moment in reflection). I sat with my son in his teacher’s room and I asked him what was happening and why he was so sad. His words have stuck with me forever and it was a defining moment that changed everything……………. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You look so sad mummy. I know that you nearly died and everything, and I would have missed you if you had of died. But I would have always remembered you as the mum that was always working” (I can’t even type that statement without crying). I began to sob, I hugged him and told him I was sorry and I promised that things would change. I promised him I would be more present and I would be a better mum.

What all this taught me was that although I felt I had to be strong and stay focussed for the family, my children had suffered too. I was so busy wrapped up in the business of my life, sweeping shit under the carpet and trying to move forward that I forgot that the children would have felt these tensions too. My whole family went through all this stuff in two years. Nothing by drama and stress. I didn’t need to be strong, I needed to show them that it was okay to cry and okay to have bad days. I needed to give them space to talk and share how they were feeling. And now more than ever I was determined to teach them that adversity doesn’t last forever.

So I made a decision to change everything. I found a therapist and I talked and talked and talked (okay I mostly cried). I had spent so long bottling all this up inside that I was hurting those around me that I loved the most. I was so focused on working and setting up our future that I forgot to live in the now and appreciate what I had and how lucky I was. I was actually very good at helping other people, but I forgot about the people I came home to every day.

Despite everything that happened and everything I felt I had endured, I became a better mum, a better wife, a better friend, a better sister and a better therapist. I grew to like and accept the new mindful me and I am okay with my past, my life and who I am. I began to see the world differently and I understood empathy at a deeper level. I changed my work hours, I changed the way I thought about things and spent more time with my children. I don’t regret my past because it taught me so much. I became stronger, more resilient and more focussed on what was important. There were times when I got angry and felt that the world was unfair, I remember thinking that I must have pissed someone off in my past life because I felt like I was being punished. But the skill was to focus on changing my language and thoughts about my past….. I could either get angry and think about ‘poor me’ or I could learn from it and change the language when I talked about it or thought it. By changing my language about these events, I was able to change the way I felt about it and thus change the way I behaved about it all. It was process……. And that is my favourite word (so my clients tell me). Everything about change takes time. Yes, you can decide to make changes, but to truly feel it and embrace it takes time. It is a process. A process worth going through.

– Jen

 

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Baby Shower – The Best Gift Ever!

Being a social person and someone who has moved around a fair bit, I have had the lovely opportunity to attend copious amounts of Baby Showers!!! Love em. Who doesn’t like the opportunity to sit with your friend beaming with happiness that they are about to have a baby. Super cute. So after attending many of these events, I had a ‘lightening bolt’ moment that I could actually help and give a pressie that perhaps might last a little longer than the cute outfits I used to like buying.

So here is my gift……. It is advice. Yes advice. But I am mindful that advice is a like a butt hole – everyone has one! So here is my advice – from a crazy therapist, a colleague, a friend and a mum who made many mistakes.

  • Sleepless nights don’t last forever. Yes, despite it seeming like it is forever, it does pass and you will get a full nights’ sleep again.
  • The first six to twelve weeks are bloody hard. But it gets better!
  • Babies and kids go through stages. Some are joyful and some are darn right annoying. But they are STAGES and they pass. Stuff like being clingy, biting, chucking tantrums, throwing food, drawing on everything, talking back. Remind yourself that is a stage and somewhat normal. Nurture your bubba to understand what behaviour is ok and not okay and they will pass the ‘stage’ with ease.
  • When your child is being a turd, remember to comment and reprimand the behaviour, NOT the person. “I love you but that behaviour is not okay”. Saying stuff like “what is wrong with you?” and “are you stupid?” only serves to blame the person and not the behaviour. Remember to separate the two.
  • Babies and kids’ emotions are governed by their primary care giver. If you are angry, sad, frustrated etc than your child will exhibit these same similar behaviours (even when they can’t talk they are very perceptive to their environment). Help your child to understand that it is okay to be upset about things and that as their main carer you will be there to help them through some big feelings.
  • The way you talk to your child becomes their inner voice – my favourite affirmation ever. Keeps me grounded when I feel like losing my shite sometimes.
  • How you talk to your partner and friends, how you argue, whether you call each other names, yell and swear all serves as the platform as to how your child talks to you and resolves conflict.
  • Your kids aren’t your friends. Your role is to be their parent. Their world needs to be a positive place for your child. How you feel about your ex, your mother in law or the neighbour, are conversations that don’t need to be had with kids. Try finding some one liners that deflect further conversations, “these are adult conversations” (when they overhear you talking about someone) or “your grandmother loves you and I am grateful that you both have a good relationship” (when you can’t stand your mother in law).
  • Routines are in!! You have to provide stability, healthy routine (yes kids thrive on routine), and an environment at home that is safe haven for them – the world is a scary enough place, let them have one place where they are hugged, loved and told they are good enough.
  • Start a sleep routine as early as possible – one that you can manage and that is realistic. Infants and children need a structured bedtime. Dull lights, calm house, quiet time, story time, lots of hugs. Encourage as early as possible for children to sleep in their own beds.
  • Read and talk to your child all day!!!!!! Their brains develop the fastest between 0-4 years. Pump that engine full of information and learning opportunities.
  • All kids need relationships with both parents. Each parent plays an equal role in a child’s life. Although this can be hard (for lots of reasons), remember it is important for children to learn from the significant people in their life. It isn’t always about you, but if it is good for your child than give them a change to thrive.
  • Buying expensive clothes and equipment and toys doesn’t mean your child will be smarter or better or will even appreciate you more. Just remember expensive isn’t always better.
  • Trust your instinct as a parent. It sends you stronger signals than you know.
  • Not everything you need to know about parenting and kids is found in a book! Sometimes Google is not your friend.
  • Don’t compare your child, sleep patterns, milestones and birth stories with others. Everyone has a different story.
  • Part of becoming a parent is accepting that you are hit with the ‘guilty’ stick. Parenting is a hard gig and you will always question yourself and feel like you are not doing good enough.
  • If things become tricky, ask for help. There are tonnes of community and government agencies out there that can help – 24 hr lines, free services, groups. Kids don’t come with a manual so ask for help. Parenting courses should be mandatory I think- they are a great way of gathering ideas and better ways of parenting.
  • Read lots and ask lots of questions from people who you value and can help you…….
  • And yes, they grow up fast and they can move you, and evoke emotions in you in ways you never thought possible.

Okay there is so much more to say, but I think you have the gist by now. Be grateful for your gift, your child and remind them every day how much they are loved and appreciated.

– Jen

 

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Emotions – When you will get hit with the emotion stick!

‘Emotions’ is a topic that I remember was challenging for me as I approached by thirties. But now, I hear it and see it all the time and often this little bird pops in my brain and says, ‘oh yes I remember feeling this too and I have some understanding of exactly what you are saying’.

Looking back in my teens and twenties, I remember thinking that getting older meant a degree in ‘craziness’. There used to be all these older people around me with big feelings of anger, sadness and trauma and it used to make no sense to me at all as to why people struggled to deal with their emotions. Such intense feelings and people’s inability to cope with them often fascinated me and I used to think ‘that will never be me’ or ‘god shoot me now if I become like that’. And then it happened….. I hit late twenties, early thirties and it felt like I got hit with an “emotion stick”. I began to experience huge feelings and didn’t feel like I had the tools to manage them at times. And then as I watched and paid more attention, it was happening to all my friends around us, all my friends’ friend’s and my clients and I could see similar patterns emerging everywhere. After time I was able to recognise that having emotions is okay and that we all need to go through them to make it to the other side … whatever that looks like for you.

So with these with these big emotions comes another big word – REFLECTION. Some people have it and some people don’t. Some people can continue to grow, reflect, learn, challenge themselves and embrace mistakes and other people just can’t. Some people I have met can’t change at all. They have no reflective capacity, can’t deal with big emotions and stay stale (there are labelled and diagnosed mental health conditions that make it impossible for people to have reflection, but there are also people who just choose not to as well).

I have often thought my degree has saved me in some ways. When my big emotions came, they came like a tornado and everyone in my way had to watch out! I wonder whether I would have been carted off to the looney bin if I hadn’t have worked in the social welfare field??? Hmmmmm. I am sure my husband thought so many, many, many times. I have learnt that emotions aren’t there to be feared. As human beings it is really okay to have different emotions at different times and it is really okay to own it, label it and accept it. We have many emotions but is the feelings of guilt, anger, sadness and frustration that people seem to struggle with the most (makes sense, cause we all tend to be pretty good in dealing with joy and happiness). To be brutally honest I have learnt a lot from working with people. Their raw emotions and big intense feelings, how they deal with them and how some can move forward and how some are simply just stuck.

The thirty something years is an interesting stage and by pure default brings many emotions and life stages. In your teens, you focus on self, friends, experimenting with love and lust and finishing school. In your twenties many people have a partner, a career path, often people get married, perhaps buy your first house and even have children. Then comes your thirties and the word….. wait for it….. REFLECTION. Many start looking at their lives and thinking “is this it?” “is this who I am and what my life looks like?”. The tricky part is that you are young enough to start over (if that is what you feel you need to do) and young enough to see if the grass is greener elsewhere. Within my inner circle of my early thirties many of my friends had either left their partners, had affairs or had dreams of starting over. I still see and hear these sentiments every day and wander whether there should be a course on ”life circumstances” or an adult ‘top-up’ class that helps to define all this stuff and compartmentalise that it is all very normal. I think it is all very normal for people to start questioning their lives, their decisions and whether they need to do things differently. Reflection doesn’t always mean starting over. Reflection can mean looking how you respond to certain things or how you feel about certain things. And it is this time of self-reflection that brings with it the journey of big emotions. Repressed memories, feelings around childhood and just seeing the world differently.

Whilst people seem to experience life and circumstances in similar patterns, no two people are ever the same. Everyone’s thoughts and feelings are individual. Although people may have similar childhoods, their experience of their situation and how they felt about it are never the same. So I have learnt not to judge, not to comment negatively and just to listen. I work with people to talk about their feelings, their emotions and sit with them. Even if they are uncomfortable you can still sit with them and accept that you are an individual made up of many complex emotions that are just part of who you are. (there was recently a great kids movie called ‘Inside Out’, that depicted a story in a beautiful way of the need to have all emotions). Although sometimes the sea of emotions feels as though they are coming thick and fast, you can choose how you deal with them. Do you let those huge emotions swollen you up and feel helpless? Or can you decide to except that they exist learn from them?

– Jen

 

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Marriage, promises and the shades of grey in between…

I now pronounce thee husband and wife – so now what?

As a therapist I have loads of people who come to see me who say very similar sentiments:

  • I don’t think I am in love with my partner anymore
  • I don’t feel the sparks anymore
  • I find myself looking at other people
  • They changed. They are not the same person I met when I met them
  • We have nothing in common anymore
  • Am I ever going to get ‘that’ feeling again

Relationship problems are normal. Relationship cross roads are normal. But what I find a little abnormal is that relationship 101 is not taught in schools, there is no regular review or performance management system of how your relationship is going and rarely do people just put their hand up and say “I think we need some help with this”.

I have always found it quite interesting that we need so many licences, certificates, renewals and competency texts throughout our lives, yet we don’t need a license to be a parent and we don’t have regular reviews or reflections on how our own relationships are going.

Granted I will concede that my career as a therapist has given me an unfair advantage and I see things differently to other people. I have read copious books, articles, gone to seminars and workshops etc. But by far the most I have learnt about relationships and people has been in ‘the chair’. I have learnt so much from listening to people’s stories and hearing from their heart how vulnerable and hurt they are. Whilst no two couples have ever been the same, I have seen common themes emerge.

Does school prepare you for marriage or relationship ever after? Nope

Do your parents or childhood experience give you tools to be a good partner? Maybe some…

Have you ‘performance managed’ yourself and relationship since you said “I do”? Probably not

At work you often have an employer that gives to feedback, positive, negative, constructive criticism or just tells you outright to improve or stop doing this or that. As adults we learn from it and move forward. We make adjustments where we can and hope to god we don’t get called back into the boss’ office again for the same shite!   And as kids, our parents or schools are there to guide us around growth, development and behaviour. They give feedback on tests and report cards and we are meant to use this guidance to make improvements. So what the hell happens when your relationship needs improvement? Who gives the constructive feedback or provides ways to communicate some kind of reflection to challenge, change and look at behaviour?

I am not plugging my own here, I am suggesting strongly that you aren’t meant to figure relationship stuff out on your own. Relationships change and people change, but with love and connection it isn’t a matter of black or white – I am either in love or not in love. You need a chance to reflect on yourself, reflect of your partner and at least try to find that spark that made you want to say “I do”. Whether it Is therapy (I still find the gents are the most resistant to seeking support and help) or workshops or groups or reading a book or making one phone call, all I am saying is that it is normal to need a little help sometimes.

Be brave enough to take the leap and take a chance on improving your relationship……………………. It is the biggest investment you ever will make.

– Jen

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According to Jen

 

These blogs are a chance to share my thoughts, experiences and stories with others. Please be mindful that I am not professing to know it all and I am by no means saying that I am right. It is my hope that these stories, lessons and perils of thought may help or challenge your thoughts in some way. Yes, I have a business and yes I am therapist, but let’s be clear from the start that I am not trying to sell anyone anything. As a human being I am not a fan of being pushed into things, told to do something or made to feel like I am talking to sales person. I am not here to sell anything, just to share and to help. I am here to help cause I genuinely think I can help.

Sometimes I am going to write about me and sometimes I am going to write about what I have learnt from working with others. Since before I had children of my own I have always worked with children and families. I find the interactions of children and care givers and adult relationships and dynamics so fascinating. This passion has not waned and it brings me today where I hope my challenges, experiences and exposure to people can help you or someone you know in some way.

So here goes……Life is a bitch………..good times and bad times. Fun times, challenges, changes, reflections, mistakes. But I live by the notion that you learn from your mistakes and the shit that happens in your life will only make you stronger if you learn from it.

Hmmmm where to start? What to write? Should I keep this stuff for myself or should I pass on my worldly notions, useless wisdoms and highly slanted opinions to others and to my children – wonder whether reading my inner thoughts and information- that will now sit on the internet forever- will change the way they think of me in the future? Oh well, here goes……………..

The journey into late 30 something hood has been an interesting one. Life somehow changes and you see things differently. Things I thought I wouldn’t like, I like now. People who have been in my life for a long time are being pushed out of my ‘friendship door’ and I seem to look at life differently, I value my own opinions and judgements and somehow life just seems a little clearer. I turned a corner, jumped a fence and a light went off in my brain!!! I am a resilient, mindful person that focuses fiercely on strengths (but let’s be clear, I am not a robot and despite my acceptance of who I am, I do continue to make many mistakes and I have moments too where the world isn’t always peachy).

Parenthood is definitely the hardest gig I have ever entered into and remains the one entity that can give me the most amount of joy and yet the most amount of heartache all at the same time. I am mother of two children and I have learnt a lot from watching them, interacting with them and observing their behaviour – they often joke that they have been my little experiments. What I thought I wanted for them when they were born is not what I want for them now. As their mum, I want my kids to be happy, content, positive, healthy people. It doesn’t matter to me if they are rich, if they are not the smartest, not the sportiest or who they fall in love with. I suppose I have figured out that I just want them to good people. It has become my belief that it isn’t all about their grades that help shape them, it is more about nurturing their personalities and teaching them to be kind, reflective, nurturing and just good people. It is their personalities that will help them through life and allow them to grow into people that will be happy that I know I will be proud of.

From the moment they were born, there was almost this immediate pressure to have a ‘good’ baby. What that actually means is anyone’s guess? People will ask you questions about whether you breast feed or bottle feed? Whether your baby sleeps through the night? Whether your baby is talking, walking, writing, swimming etc etc- the list goes on and on. What I know now and didn’t know then is it is LOVE and TIME that actually really matters. Understanding your baby’s cues and being there-really there- in the moment is what really matters. I get that it all sounds airy fairy, but attention, laughter, time and love is all that really matters. Creating memories and exposing them to life’s adventures are all the things that count. I tested this theory a few years back when I asked my eldest what he received for his forth birthday. He contemplated for a moment and said “I can’t remember what I got for my birthday, but I remember we used to go the beach a lot with you and dad. He taught me to surf. Remember?” Kids don’t remember stuff, they remember memories and experiences and time with you.

As my children got older the competition among parents continued to silently exist. I still see it and hear amongst the sporting arenas and at school (these are the times I am grateful I am working mum but my clients tell me their experiences and I understand that it is still there, fierce as ever). “My son got mostly A’s this term. What did your child get?” or “how did they go in NAPLAN?” – who cares!!!!!!!!!!! My father always taught me that he would be proud of me as long as I tried my best and this is one of the firm values that I still hold true and hope to pass on to my children to embrace and really understand. To be truthfully honest when I see my children’s report cards, I don’t really care. Well, to be fair it gives me a gauge of where they are at and whether they are paying attention in class. Don’t get me wrong, I want them to learn and try hard, but school is only a small part of their life and I have learnt that it is not a determinant of success. Who defines success anyway? What makes someone successful? Earning lots of money? Having lots of stuff? Getting married? Having children? FYI none of these items alone determine success. What determines success –according to jen – and what I would like to share, is that success is defined only by YOU!!! You determine your destiny, you determine your success and only you can determine your happiness. Success is a feeling.

Don’t get me wrong, schooling and education set foundations for growth, but it is life’s lessons, mistakes and seizing opportunities that determine success. I guess what I am hoping is that my success will be my kids. My success will be my role as their mum. My success will be their happiness and whether I fulfil my end of the bargain in helping them to become positive, happy, healthy people.

 “Motivated people – Have a dream. Love their goal. Show passion and enthusiasm. Have a plan. Activate their plan. Stay positive. Never give up”

– Jen

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