Sleep Deprivation – Worst Torture Ever!!!

According to Jen,

As the name of my blog suggests, I have a theory about sleep deprivation and how the land of modern day has perhaps unintentionally made shit worse for women after they have had children………….. read my comparison below and may your mind ponder a little.

In the 70’s and 80’s when women had babies, their little bundles were whisked away and taken to a nursery.  Babies were brought to their mums to feed and then back to the nursery to be burped and put to sleep. Mums had time for their battered vaginas to heal, they had time to learn to breast feed and more importantly they had time to sleep!!! After 7-10 day’s mum could walk without feeling like she had split in two, she conquered the art of breast feeding and then blissfully skipped out of hospital.
Fast forward 40 years and women are handed their babies straight after birth, left to somehow innately learn to cuddle, soothe and feed and walk around in pain after a vaginal birth or C-section. Usually the milk supply hasn’t come in yet, the adrenaline starts to fade and then BAM!!!!!!- time to be shafted from hospital and sent home to deal with a cute baby who cries, is learning to feed and won’t let you sleep!!!

Modern day sleep deprivation is a killer and I feel underestimated as to how it can make a reasonable person become unreasonable; how it can make you feel like a crazy person; how it can make even the strongest person crumble to a heap into a blubbering mess and how it can make you say and do shit you wouldn’t normally do. I remember thinking I would give my left arm if I could just sleep for a few consistent hours!

Now I pride myself in being able to help people but I have to be honest and say I can’t fix this issue. Issues around sending women home from hospital so quickly after birth is a systemic issue that I unfortunately don’t have that kind of influence over. Sleep deprivation is a killer and it . The only thing I can say that may shed an ounce of positivity, is that it does pass. Sleep deprivation after a having a baby doesn’t last forever – I can promise you that.

What has always surprised me about child birth and stories of new babies is how once I had a baby I was expected to ‘forget’ the pain, gush over a new cute dependent who required 100% attention and focus on the fact that this awesome being relied on me for absolutely everything.  My brain however, forgot to read that memo and was stuck in ‘holy shit I just had a baby…. now what?’

These new overwhelming feelings do pass, but don’t underestimate what sleep deprivation can do to you. In the midst of the craziness and awesomeness of it all, think about considering the following:

  • Rely on family and friends. People often genuinely want to help but don’t know what you want help with. Someone women want friends to hold the baby while they scurry around doing housework. Others want help with the housework and cooking so they can cuddle and enjoy their baby. Be specific and put your hand up.
  • You need time to heal – UMMMMM hello your body has just gone through a tremendous amount of pain. Be kind to it.
  • You are in unknown territory and it is a steep learning curve. When your baby arrives, you are like a first-year apprentice and learning on the job each day.
  • Looking after baby isn’t easy. Let’s be real. Having a baby and caring for it in the first 3-6 months is a tough gig.
  • Pressure to breast feed is intense and insane!
  • Breast feeding is tricky (variables to consider are your baby, their ability to suck, your own breast, its size, the shape and generally how you feel about it). It takes time and practice and it is ok to ask for help.
  • Try breast feeding in different positions. Talk to midwives, child health nurses, parent groups, parent lines etc. Please, please, please remember that Google is not always your friend. Too much information is overwhelming and trying to find the exact information that paints the picture of your baby is exhausting. Sometimes less is more. Facebook isn’t always the best place for advice either. It is always full of happy babies and mothers who pretend to have their shit together and boast of stories of how their baby sleeps 12 hours a night and how beautiful their birth was – the reality is so far from the stuff that it written sometimes.
  • If you choose to bottle feed than good for you. My motto is and always has been, Happy mum happy baby. Happy baby happy mum. I am yet to find any evidence that suggests that children are happier or more educated with breast milk than bottle fed babies. And by the time your kids are in school and then become teenagers no one ever says “oh that is because your child wasn’t breast fed”. No one cares and no one can tell the difference. Do what is right for you.

Dads play a huge role too. They often have a few days or a few weeks off and then BAM they go back to work. Between hormones and sleep deprivation our moods can fluctuate from, ‘We miss you and then we hate you’. Men often get to go back to work, talk to other adults, have your coffee break, go to the toilet alone and have lunch. And as a new mum at home, those small luxuries like talking to adults and weeing in peace are suddenly gone. We love you but hate you and relationships are tested -It is all normal.
Having a supportive partner is the key to sailing through the storm. Remember as women we have nine months to get ready for baby and poor dads really only start when the baby is born. Allow each other time to talk about what you need, what you miss and think about how you both have coped previously when things have sucked. How did you resolve conflict in the past?  I am fairly certain most partners don’t get. It isn’t their fault, they just don’t and they have to be reminded time and time again about what you need and want. Saying ‘I need help’ usually isn’t enough, it might need to sound something like “I need to you bath and feed baby so I can cook dinner” or “I need sleep, you are going to have to do one of the feeds tonight”.

Now as a mother of two teenagers when I walk around the shopping centers and see women with their new babies, I don’t look at the cute little bundle anymore, I think to myself ‘you poor bitch, I hope you are getting enough sleep or I hope at least you are doing okay?’

It does get better I promise you that and sleep deprivation doesn’t last forever.

 

 I never know what to say when people ask what my hobbies are. I mean I am a mum. I enjoy trips to the bathroom alone and silence.

– Jen

 
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Relationship Refresher 101 – Some questions to ask?

According to Jen…..

Research and literature suggest that there are many fundamental elements that are needed in order for a relationship to be successful. Depending on what book you read, what discipline you study and where you live in the world, there a slight variations and differences in opinion on what constitutes a successful or happy relationship. So in my true slanted style, rather than give you more options to read or more theories to think about, I am going to list some of the top issues that are talked about to me in therapy and some questions to ask yourself.

Love Language

For every individual I come across, I always ask them whether they are aware of their Love Language – this concept was written about and in essence discovered by a Psychologist by the name of Gary Chapman. Do you know what your love language is? Do you know what your partners love language is? When you can figure out what your needs are then you can understand your partners needs too. I am in love with the book called “The 5 Love Languages” written by Gary Chapman. Fantastic, easy to read book with a list of questions at the back of the book that will help you identify your Love Language. There is also a book called “The 5 Love Languages of Children”.

Communication

The number one issue that is always talked about is communication. Somewhere, somehow people lose the art of communicating to each other and the relationship begins to crack. Emotions run sky high and after a while people seem to forget to talk to each other. How often do you actually talk to your partner? How often do you tell your partner that you love them? How do you think you really communicate with your partner? How mindful of your judgements and language are you towards your partner?

Remember all is not lost if your communication needs work. The first step is recognising there is a problem and then you can work on doing something about it. When you are in conflict with your partner, how much of the focus of the argument is on the person and not the issue?

Trust

Can you rely on your partner? Is your partner reliable? Will they be there for you if you need them to be? When your partner goes out, do you worry that they will be faithful? Do you worry that your partner isn’t telling the truth about what they are doing or seeing or not doing? A foundation of trust is built over time but it can crumble quite quickly. You may trust that they love you, but do you trust that they will be there for you when you need them? Can your partner hold your feelings and truly be there for you? Are you the one that is always in control and supporting your partner, and if the table was turned would or could your partner support you?

Conflict Resolution

A fancy few words which means, ‘How do you fight with your partner?’ or ‘When there is a problem, how do you resolve it together?’ It is inevitable that when you are in relationship that you will argue, spend moments hating each other and wonder how the hell you got to where you are in the first place. Ask yourself, what are your conflict resolution skills like? What does it look like when you fight in your relationship? When you argue with your partner, how much of the argument do you focus on the person rather than the issue? When you have an argument, do you yell, swear, slam doors, sweep stuff under the rug or stay silent? If there was a video camera in your home when you argued, what would it look like if you played it back?

When conflict resolution skills are learnt, they can be practiced and can be useful for your relationship with your partner, useful in your relationship with your children and relationships at work.

It is the Little Things

FYI relationships take effort, they need effort and they require ongoing effort. When was the last time you looked at your relationship and put in some effort? Whilst a trip to Bora Bora would be an awesome effort, I am talking about the little things. When was the last time you bought your partner a small gift? Wrote them a card? Sent a text message just because? Perhaps cooked their favourite meal? Organised a date night? Commented on things that you liked about your partner? A relationship takes two people to make an effort and make changes.

If you sit and wait for your partner to take you to dinner and they never do, then you might be left feeling like they don’t care or you don’t matter – perhaps reframing some of your thinking might help. My challenge to you would be, why don’t you think about making a reservation for dinner? Don’t sit and wait for things to happen, make them happen. Make a small step to connection without expectation.

Be Vulnerable

After time it is easy to take each other for granted. Often relationships can look almost like ‘sibling relationships’ rather than couple relationships. The relationship with your partner is and has to be one that is special and your role is to treat them as such. My famous line in therapy is “Your partner is not your mate, your colleague or your dog. They are your equal and your lover. You need to treat them as such”.   You need to be vulnerable with your partner and open up to share your thoughts, desires and dreams. When was the last time you were vulnerable with your partner? Vulnerable enough to tell them exactly what you felt and thought? Can your partner hold your vulnerable thoughts? When you look at your relationship, how much of your inner thoughts and dreams do you share with your partner compared to your friends or extended family?

Values and Expectations

Throughout life stages and relationship stages we all tend to change how we feel about certain things and what we want in ourselves and in our relationships. Our family history and life history often unconsciously shape the way we do things and when two people come together it is inevitable that these values will collide and cause friction. How mindful are you of your expectations and values that you bring into a relationship? How flexible or willing are you to change how you think or feel about something? Are your values around children, finances, family and goals compatible? Do you talk about them? Research suggests that arguments and values around finances are one of the biggest reasons that couples seek counselling and support in their relationship.

 

So we all get it…. Relationships take work, persistence and patience. We aren’t always going to get it right and as human beings we all make mistakes (lots of them). We all need to be vulnerable enough sometimes to look at who and what is in front of us and fight for it.

 

Affirmation: Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It is not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument or your job that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and the choices that you make. Period!

– Jen

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I am having an affair…….

There isn’t a week that goes by that someone doesn’t spill their guts and tell me that they had an affair, are wanting to have an affair or think their partner is having an affair.

So when I am talking about affairs, I am talking about physical affairs and emotional affairs. The act of betraying your partner and engaging in an intimate relationship with someone else that is NOT your partner.

Ultimately affairs are a betrayal of trust. It is about secrets, lies and sharing yourself with someone outside the relationship. And although the majority of the population at any given time would probably say affairs are ‘wrong’, unfortunately it is more common than you think. Specific statistics and literature often vary- depending on who you ask- however what is agreed is that affairs are common and are increasing!

A wise colleague once said to me, “affairs are symptoms of problems that already exist”. And he was right. I use that sentence a lot with the people I work with and I ask people to repeat that sentence slowly until it makes sense. If you read and process this statement, it isn’t about blaming the person who chose the affair. It is about looking at the relationship and seeing where the problems exist. Is the problem that one person is never happy or content? Is it that one person is always looking outside the relationship for happiness? Is it that just one person is selfish and likes the attention of others? What is really going on in the relationship?

(I use this sentiment when I talk to people about the misuse of drugs or someone who has a gambling addiction – these behaviours are also symptoms of problems that already exist.)

I have spoken to people who have disclosed multiple affairs, desires to continue affairs, conversations about being on the cusp of an affair, one night stands and affairs that have led to secret families and children.  I have spoken to people who fall apart after a moment of weakness and try and live with their secret and I have spoken to men and women who live to continue to have multiple affairs at any opportunity and show no remorse or moment of reflecting on the consequences of their behaviour.

As a therapist I always found it interesting that the word ‘affair’ is used as a blanket statement. To me, there is a huge difference between a one- night stand (and a person who admits the incident and says sorry) compared to someone who continues an affair for months or years at a time (and wants to continue to do so). In the same notion I feel the word ‘drug user’ is also used as a blanket statement.  Again there is a huge difference in someone that smokes marijuana once a year at Christmas parties compared to someone who uses ICE or crack cocaine on a daily basis- yet the wording is the same???

When I work with people where an affair is present in their relationship, there is a big difference in working with people who have made a mistake, compared to people who keep making mistakes and having regular affairs.

With all these stories, one common theme always seems to emerge-  People either start thinking or engaging in affairs when their needs are not being met.  For many reasons, somewhere along the line people feel disconnected within their relationship. They talk about not feeling loved, not feeling listened to or feeling as though the spark has gone (I am not condoning affairs in anyway, I am simply sharing what I have learnt along the way).

People are naturally drawn to people that make them smile, make them laugh, listen to them and make them feel good about themselves. So when cracks emerge in relationships, affairs begin when other people start filling voids that you feel you aren’t getting at home and before you know it ……………….the affair is born.

The majority of people that I have worked with tell me that affairs are a deal breaker for them. One step over the moral compass line and they are gone. But I have also worked with couples who want to talk about their infidelities and want to stay together to work on their relationship.

Talking to a professional and getting to the real issue of why someone looked outside the relationship is the key to processing what happened, why it happened and what next. The absolute raw, devastating emotions of a partner who hears that their partner has been having an emotional or physical affair is gut wrenching. Some people can heal and become stronger, some people can’t get past the hurt and betrayal and some people stay angry and helpless.

There is no right or wrong answer in how a person deals with infidelity but with the right help and support you can make the informed decisions that is right for you.

Most people are searching for happiness outside of themselves. That’s a fundamental mistake. Happiness is something that you are, and it comes from the way you think

– Jen

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New Baby – Feed, Wake, Sleep. Best guide to helping your baby sleep through the night.

According to Jen…..

Now remember when I started these blogs I was very clear that I am not always right and that I am only sharing my very slanted one sided takes on life’s little quirks, life lessons and stuff that has worked in the past. I am not always right, but sometimes, just sometimes I am (surprisingly) exactly right.

Having lunch with a few girlfriends the other day and my very good friend says “Oh Jen, I talk about you all the time in my mother’s group?” (My very first thought is, ‘oh god who did I annoy or suffer foot in mouth with??’)
She went on to say “You were right Jen and I tell everyone…….before we left the hospital you sat myself and my husband down and told us to take notes on what you were going to say cause you were going to give us the best piece of advice that we would be grateful for one day to help our baby settle and sleep” ( yes there are times when I am that forward…). “We did exactly what you said and it worked!!!! He self-settles and he sleeps with no dramas. Everyone at Mother’s Group always asks me how and why and what did I do. I just tell them that they need to go and see you”.

In this particular blog I probably should be honest and say that prior to this worldy notion of Feed – Wake – Sleep, I did use this routine and theory with my own children and they both slept through the night 6pm- 5am from six weeks of age. I did however read about 10 books on sleeping and settling and before the world of google, I spoke with people who worked in sleep clinics and I worked in a sleep clinic too (it wasn’t really work, it was more like me soaking up their knowledge and asking thousands of questions). I took bits and pieces from everywhere and made a model that worked for me.

Feed – wake – sleep. How to get your baby to sleep for longer and through the night?  This is the routine that I talk to my friends, family and clients about whenever I am asked. So what does it mean?

New Baby Routine According to Jen:  It starts from the day your baby is born.

  1. Early Days – For the first 10 -14 days when your baby is born, just concentrate on your baby having a full feed. Don’t worry about anything else except your baby getting a full belly and not falling to sleep during a feed. Whether you are breast feeding or bottle feeding, just focus on your baby having a full feed. For breast fed babies this is a little tricky, because how do you know if they have had a full feed? The answer lies in waking your baby half way through a feed and then giving them more. Once your baby is more awake, he/she will then take more milk and will then sleep longer with a full content belly. For example: Put baby on the breast and let them suckle. When baby becomes sleepy or not sucking as enthusiastically (you can see if baby is moving their jaw), then pull baby off (gently using your finger to un-suction their mouth from your breast, otherwise you will be sore!) and you need to change baby’s nappy – yes, change your baby half way through a feed. By changing baby, you are cleaning their bottom but more importantly you are waking them up – which is the plan as you want them to wake up to ensure they are having a full feed. Also in most cases you will find that your baby will burp as well – which is another plan as it gets rid of wind or pain and helps to ensure a full feed.  After you have changed and burped your baby, then put them back onto the breast for more milk (some medical practitioners say put baby back on the same breast, some say put on the other side. I seem to find this information changes depending on who you are talking to, so feel free to do what feels right for you).

The same above information applies for bottle fed babies. Feed baby and stop when baby is tired or falling to sleep. Change and burp and make sure baby is awake before giving the rest of the bottle.

Even if baby isn’t sleeping and seems to want all the feed at once, I have always found it helpful to stop the feed at some point and change baby and burp baby. Babies who drink fast tend to either get a pain in their belly or wind – which leads to crying and an unsettled baby.

 

  1. Day and Night Feeds – After the first few days help your baby to distinguish between day and night feeds. Day feeds should be seen as an opportunity for you to attach (by that I mean, build a relationship) and bond with your baby. Talk to your baby, sing to your baby, stroke their hair/head and stimulate their body through touch and massage. Keep the household noisy and normal. With day sleeps you should encourage your baby to sleep in the same place during the day and the night. The only difference should be the buzz of the everyday. For day sleeps keep the blinds a little open so that light can come in, keep the door open and go on to your usual daily activities.

Night feeds should be almost the exact opposite. Keep the lights dim (personally I used to feed my babies in the lounge room with the range hood light on), try not to look at your baby and limit any talking or smiling or singing. Sit quietly and with no television, no phone (yes, no technology as the light from these things stimulates their brain – and yours) and no music and no talking to anyone. Night time feeds should be quiet, calm and limit any stimuli for your baby. As boring as it sounds, it isn’t about you it is about your baby and helping them to distinguish between a day feed and a night feed.   And as tempting as it is, never ever take your baby to bed with you and fall asleep in bed with your baby while they are feeding or after they are feeding. I understand sleep deprivation and I understand that it makes sense for everyone to sleep, but as the primary care giver you have to resist the temptation to bring baby into your bed as you will only make a rod for your back in the long run when your baby will learn that they are unable to self-settle and will need you and your smell in order to sleep at all.

I have had many people talk to me about how their baby ‘needs’ music to sleep, ‘needs’ white noise in their room to sleep, ‘needs’ the house to be quiet and the list goes on. The fact remains that it is the primary carer that sets the tone for sleep and settling. If you use music in your baby’s room to assist in sleep, then your baby will learn that this is the pattern it needs in order to sleep. If you rock your baby to sleep, your baby will learn that it needs to be rocked in order to sleep. There is no right or wrong in establishing your own routine. However, you need to be mindful that whatever you introduce you need to be prepared to follow through with and it will be tricky to take it away.

 

  1. Wake time – This is the time that you play with your baby and interact with them straight after their feed. When babies are very new they tend to sleep from one feed to the next so there isn’t a lot of wake time. However, as the week’s progress you will find that babies stay awake for longer periods after their feed and they like to play and learn and be stimulated. So the routine starts, as soon as your baby wakes up from a sleep you need to feed them straight away. No play time or finishing your cuppa or watching the end of your TV program, you need to focus on baby and feed them! Straight after their full feed is the time for WAKE time (aka play time). Keep baby awake for as long as your baby wants and gradually you will learn their cues that they are tired or sleepy. Watching and learning your baby’s cues is essential as your baby grows. It may sound strange at first, but after a few weeks you will be able to tell the difference between a tired cry and a pain cry and a whingy cry and a hungry cry. Your baby will give you cues that they are tired – they may yawn, rub their eyes, stretch their arms, start whinging for no reason and just be irritable. When you can see that your baby is tired, then you need to listen to their cue and take them to bed.  For me personally, when my baby used to start becoming annoyed and irritable I would pick them up, lay them in my arms, put a towel/wrap over their head and over my shoulder and start walking to their cot. While I did this I would simply say “shhh shhh” and repeat lots of times until I reached their room. I would put them in the cot awake, pat them for 5-10 seconds and say “shhh shhh” and walk out the room.

Now I understand that this sounds very easy, but it isn’t. The earlier you start this routine the easier it is for you to assist your baby to learn a routine that you establish. It was my philosophy that a baby shouldn’t cry or scream for food. So as soon as they woke up I would feed them and then play with them and then wait for the cues that they needed to go back to sleep. In following this routine, my children always woke up happy as they knew they were going to be fed and they knew when it was time for bed. They quickly learnt that day time feeds were fun and night time feeds were for feeding only. I put my kids to bed in the same place most days and focused on understanding my baby first before I focused on socialising and going out.

 

  1. Cot is for sleeping – In the early weeks when you are establishing your role as a parent and getting used to your new little being, it is important to help your new little person distinguish what and where they   No doubt you would have bought a cot and sheets and have an established space for your baby? Well you need to use it.  It is important for babies to learn early on in their life where they sleep. Familiar surroundings, smells and sounds will assist for your baby to feel calm and sleep soundly.   Letting your baby sleep in the bouncer, on the couch, in a rocker or anywhere else only confuses baby and adds to the drama of having a baby that ‘naps’ and thus has a difficult time going through all their sleep cycles – including self-settling.

 

So there you have it. In a nutshell, FEED, WAKE, SLEEP. Change baby half way through a feed; distinguish between day and night and utilise the cot as much as possible.

There is so much advice out there and it can often seem overwhelming. Most parents I have ever encountered socially or through work, always try their best and do what they can in the best interests of their little bundle. And everyone always says that the first born is the experiment!!!!!!! So we learn from that and we do things differently the next time.

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