Relationship Refresher 101 – Some questions to ask?

According to Jen…..

Research and literature suggest that there are many fundamental elements that are needed in order for a relationship to be successful. Depending on what book you read, what discipline you study and where you live in the world, there a slight variations and differences in opinion on what constitutes a successful or happy relationship. So in my true slanted style, rather than give you more options to read or more theories to think about, I am going to list some of the top issues that are talked about to me in therapy and some questions to ask yourself.

Love Language

For every individual I come across, I always ask them whether they are aware of their Love Language – this concept was written about and in essence discovered by a Psychologist by the name of Gary Chapman. Do you know what your love language is? Do you know what your partners love language is? When you can figure out what your needs are then you can understand your partners needs too. I am in love with the book called “The 5 Love Languages” written by Gary Chapman. Fantastic, easy to read book with a list of questions at the back of the book that will help you identify your Love Language. There is also a book called “The 5 Love Languages of Children”.

Communication

The number one issue that is always talked about is communication. Somewhere, somehow people lose the art of communicating to each other and the relationship begins to crack. Emotions run sky high and after a while people seem to forget to talk to each other. How often do you actually talk to your partner? How often do you tell your partner that you love them? How do you think you really communicate with your partner? How mindful of your judgements and language are you towards your partner?

Remember all is not lost if your communication needs work. The first step is recognising there is a problem and then you can work on doing something about it. When you are in conflict with your partner, how much of the focus of the argument is on the person and not the issue?

Trust

Can you rely on your partner? Is your partner reliable? Will they be there for you if you need them to be? When your partner goes out, do you worry that they will be faithful? Do you worry that your partner isn’t telling the truth about what they are doing or seeing or not doing? A foundation of trust is built over time but it can crumble quite quickly. You may trust that they love you, but do you trust that they will be there for you when you need them? Can your partner hold your feelings and truly be there for you? Are you the one that is always in control and supporting your partner, and if the table was turned would or could your partner support you?

Conflict Resolution

A fancy few words which means, ‘How do you fight with your partner?’ or ‘When there is a problem, how do you resolve it together?’ It is inevitable that when you are in relationship that you will argue, spend moments hating each other and wonder how the hell you got to where you are in the first place. Ask yourself, what are your conflict resolution skills like? What does it look like when you fight in your relationship? When you argue with your partner, how much of the argument do you focus on the person rather than the issue? When you have an argument, do you yell, swear, slam doors, sweep stuff under the rug or stay silent? If there was a video camera in your home when you argued, what would it look like if you played it back?

When conflict resolution skills are learnt, they can be practiced and can be useful for your relationship with your partner, useful in your relationship with your children and relationships at work.

It is the Little Things

FYI relationships take effort, they need effort and they require ongoing effort. When was the last time you looked at your relationship and put in some effort? Whilst a trip to Bora Bora would be an awesome effort, I am talking about the little things. When was the last time you bought your partner a small gift? Wrote them a card? Sent a text message just because? Perhaps cooked their favourite meal? Organised a date night? Commented on things that you liked about your partner? A relationship takes two people to make an effort and make changes.

If you sit and wait for your partner to take you to dinner and they never do, then you might be left feeling like they don’t care or you don’t matter – perhaps reframing some of your thinking might help. My challenge to you would be, why don’t you think about making a reservation for dinner? Don’t sit and wait for things to happen, make them happen. Make a small step to connection without expectation.

Be Vulnerable

After time it is easy to take each other for granted. Often relationships can look almost like ‘sibling relationships’ rather than couple relationships. The relationship with your partner is and has to be one that is special and your role is to treat them as such. My famous line in therapy is “Your partner is not your mate, your colleague or your dog. They are your equal and your lover. You need to treat them as such”.   You need to be vulnerable with your partner and open up to share your thoughts, desires and dreams. When was the last time you were vulnerable with your partner? Vulnerable enough to tell them exactly what you felt and thought? Can your partner hold your vulnerable thoughts? When you look at your relationship, how much of your inner thoughts and dreams do you share with your partner compared to your friends or extended family?

Values and Expectations

Throughout life stages and relationship stages we all tend to change how we feel about certain things and what we want in ourselves and in our relationships. Our family history and life history often unconsciously shape the way we do things and when two people come together it is inevitable that these values will collide and cause friction. How mindful are you of your expectations and values that you bring into a relationship? How flexible or willing are you to change how you think or feel about something? Are your values around children, finances, family and goals compatible? Do you talk about them? Research suggests that arguments and values around finances are one of the biggest reasons that couples seek counselling and support in their relationship.

So we all get it…. Relationships take work, persistence and patience. We aren’t always going to get it right and as human beings we all make mistakes (lots of them). We all need to be vulnerable enough sometimes to look at who and what is in front of us and fight for it.

Affirmation: Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It is not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument or your job that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and the choices that you make. Period!