Why staying together for the sake of the kids makes everyone miserable….

According to Jen……

I grew up in a house hold where the majority of my adolescence was fraught with conflict and my parents were always fighting. I know they fought a lot when I was younger too, but I have very clear memories from age 11 of the dynamics of the household and the promises I made to myself.

Divorce was a topic in the late eighties and early nighties that wasn’t really discussed and if you found one person in your class that was living with divorced parents then that was rare, was met with gasps of “Oh no” and it was simply not talked about. The word ‘divorce’ was met with words such as “Oh my goodness, really?” and “Oh that is so sad”. Now days, no one seems to bat an eye lid at the word divorce and it is common place to hear and know that half of the kids in your own child’s class have either come from a family of separation, divorce or a blended family. Latest statistics indicate that one in three couples end in divorce and some earlier statistics suggest one in two couples.  When my kids were younger I remember that we had to schedule play dates in fine military precision due to some children being with dad on the weekend and some being with their mum. It was common and it was messy.

As a child, I remember being 12 years old and praying that my parents would seek a divorce. Weird and morbid I know, but for me it was about wanting and needing the conflict to end. The house was always unpredictable and there was either going to be yelling and shouting, crying and sobbing or long periods of silence in their pursuit to resolve their issues. There wasn’t any domestic violence, but there was constant fighting and uncomfortable moments. As a young nosey parker with an innate quest to understand behaviour, I did ask over those years ‘why are you still together?’ I would often get the usual response ‘we stay together for the sake of you kids’.  I couldn’t ever tell anyone my inner thoughts or feelings as divorce was so taboo and of the people we knew who were divorced, it felt like they were shamed or treated differently in some way.  So, their comment- as irrational as it sounds now- made sense to me and I lived with the guilt of my thoughts and a firm notion in my head that this scenario will never be me!!! I made a promise to myself as a young child that I would never stay in a relationship for the sake of the kids and that if things couldn’t or wouldn’t get better than I would make decisions that were in their best interests.

Until the moment I left home, I never told my parents that I prayed that they would divorce (they know now) but I was very happy when they finally decided to call it quits.  Years of conflict and failed half arsed counselling attempts were finally explored and they got divorced – thank god!  What this experience taught me was that in actual fact I was not alone in my thoughts about wanting and wishing my parents would divorce. Despite adult concepts, thoughts and best intentions it is never a good idea to stay in a conflictual loveless relationship for the sake of the children. Although your children may not express themselves, they feel the tension of their home environment too.

Children are often more perceptive and insightful than what adults give them credit for. They depend so deeply on their care givers for safety, love, nurturance and stability and when their home environment if no longer safe or happy, then they want out!  I spent 10 years working almost solely with children and it gave me such a beautiful insight into their little brains and how they think and feel. It is surprising what they are willing to say when they feel someone is listening.

So it turns out – after talking and working with many children – my ‘guilty’ thoughts of wanting my parents to get a divorce aren’t so rare after all. And despite this practice wisdom there are now books that quantify this information – staying together for the sake of the children makes everyone miserable.  Ultimately children want to live in a household that is safe, is free from on-going conflict and surrounded by people that love them. Children don’t like nor want to live in an environment that is tense, that is unpredictable and where they worry more about the behaviour and emotions of their parents than living their own life to the fullest.  Children deserve to grow up in the presence of parents that love them, teach them valuable lessons and show them how people deserve and need to be treated. I am not saying that parents should not argue and have bad times, kids need to see this as well. Kids need to see parents argue but they also need to see parents resolve their issues too.

How you as the adult model your communication, your mood and your ability to resolve conflict is often modelled by your children.

To be fair there are also children that have said to me that they are prepared to tolerate the conflict in their home due in part to having a deep desire for their parents to live the fairy tale and live happily ever after. It isn’t wrong to have these feelings and desires and it is okay. It is very normal for children to want their family to stay together and live as a family. However, the foundations of a child’s life shapes their brain and shapes the way they think and feel about the world. What I have seen is that when there are high levels of conflict within the home between couples, it is often the children that are left behind to regulate on their own and are forgotten. Often parents are busy trying to deal with their own issues that they forget about the little beings that are listening and living those same issues too. Children get confused, interpret information in their own way and are left with big feelings that don’t make sense.

Seeking professional help as a couple and individually is a proven first step in resolving conflict. Simply staying in a relationship where you are not prepared to change or at least attempt to make changes in your relationship is sad and unfair for the bystanders who watch all this unfold.  Counselling and seeking help is confronting, emotional and hard at first. But it is worth trying.

 

Affirmation: Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.

– Jen

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Are Relationships Really that Hard? Being in love and the epic journey to reach the yellow brick road of happiness.

According to jen………..

The short answer to this complex phenomenon is YES!!!!! And before you run for the hills or tick off the list in the brain that makes you decide to pack it in and quit your relationship, I just want to take up a few more minutes of your time and hopefully help you think differently about your relationship – like through a different lens.  Give me a minute and if it doesn’t spark anything, by all means continue on the path you are on.

So you meet, fall in love, sparks fly, your partner is interesting, fun, exciting, the sex is great (awesome really) and then something happens……….. yes people, it is called REALITY. Reality steps in and suddenly your partner comes with baggage, history, moods, idiosyncrasies’ you can’t stand, you start talking about budgets, bills, the kids, house work, grocery shopping and changing light bulbs!!  Honeymoon is over and the relationship becomes hard……..

It doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom though. It just means you have to work a little harder and be open to change and different life stages.

After years of couple’s therapy, I can’t remember how many times I heard the comments “she changed” or “it just isn’t the same as it was”. Well I hate to break it to ya, but people change. Change is normal. Change should happen. It is okay to grow with people changing and it can be done if you willing to jump on the train of change too. I once had a middle aged man say to me, “she just isn’t the same as when we met”. When I asked, “How old were you when you met?” He replied, “We were both 18 and it was fun and she was fun”. If only people could read my mind cause this particular man was balding, over weight and looked about 10 years older that his age and what I wanted to say was, ‘well pal, I don’t think you are the same as when you guys met at 18 either!!!’.

But in my true diplomatic professional fashion I had to throw my unprofessional thoughts aside and respond with something that would challenge his thought processes.  Lots happen to adults between the ages of 18 years to 40 years – move in together, babies, pets, rent, mortgage, jobs, pregnancy, kids, superannuation, ailments and the list goes on.  So NO, your partner shouldn’t be the same person they were when you were 18. People grow, they change, they think differently, they love differently and their needs are different.

Staying with one person and keeping the sparks alive is hard work. You need to work on it and be open to mistakes, challenges and communication. There is an awesome couples’ therapy booked called “5 Love Languages – by Gary Chapman” (awesome easy read if you are ever interested) and it looks at relationship needs and what your love language is. It may sound all airy fairy, but it makes sense and it is a useful tool to look at what your own needs are (love language) and what your partner’s needs are (partners love language). When you can truly say what you need and what fills your love cup (think of it like a measuring cup and what your partner would need to do or say in order for your cup to fill up) then you are one step closer to communicating and understanding yourself and your partner’s wants and needs.

Life is full of stages and it is normal that sometimes you might feel that your partner is on another path to you. It is common to feel disconnected and unloved at times, but it doesn’t have to always be that way.  Rather than complain and sit in the corner in defeat, I challenge you to fight for your partner.

Some tips to consider:

  • Don’t let too much time pass before you try to salvage your relationship. Whilst time can sometimes heal, time can sometimes create a further wedge that is harder to repair.
  • Try and remember or write down what the qualities were in your partner that attracted you to them in the first place.
  • Look at yourself and see if there are things you could do or say that might change the mood in your relationship. One example could be to stop bringing up issues from the past in a conversation, stop swearing at each other when you are arguing, be the one to stop yelling.
  • What would you see if you were to record yourself talking or arguing to your partner? If you had a video camera and you played back the last week in your house, what would it look like? What would your non-verbals say? How many times did you put your partner down or call them something nasty?
  • Write a list of three things you wish your partner would change and then write a list of the things you think your partner would say they would want you to change. Compare lists with your partner and talk about them – preferably when you are having a moment of not hating each other so you can communicate more effectively.
  • Seeking help from a therapist is not a negative or weak thing to do…. And please dear god don’t think of therapy as a last resort. Therapy is a tool used to assist people to communicate more effectively and have someone objective and not emotionally invested assist your relationship (and in case you were wondering, despite being a therapist my husband and I have been to a therapist ourselves several times in an order to help our relationship navigate the yellow brick road).
  • Be brave enough to say what you need and listen to what your partner needs.

 

Remember people, I don’t profess to have all the answers and I am not taking into account variables that may be impacting adversely on your relationship.  Just something to think about and challenge your current thought patterns…………

 

Affirmation – When you face difficult times, know that challenges are not sent to destroy you. They’re sent to promote, increase and strengthen you.

– Jen

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Technology – The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

According to jen……………..

Technology…. it is everywhere. From the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed, we are surrounded by technology. Mobile phones, IPADS, IPODS, laptops, computers and the list goes on.

As an adult who didn’t grow up with technology and didn’t go to school or university with technology it is definitely a phenomenon that has fascinated me. I can appreciate all the wonderful things that technology can bring and I am now one of ‘those ‘ people that takes her mobile everywhere, relies on emails daily and sends copious amounts of text messages to my friends and family. I love that I have information and research at my finger tips and I can see how technology helps people stay connected and how it is needed to ensure businesses thrive.

But what I see, and what I want to talk about is the ugly side of technology. The phenomenon that is slowly progressively becoming a big issue in society and something that is having a profound negative impact on the behaviour and development of children as well as an increasing negative impact on relationships between adults.  I have talked to hundreds of men, women, children and adolescents who have come to see me who are genuinely not coping with things that have been said or posted or insinuated or influenced by technology.  I have talked to parents whose children are glued to technology and struggle to come out of their rooms. Parents are coming to see me wandering what is wrong with their increasing negative behaviour of their children – when they are over using technology for hours and hours at a time. Increasingly in the work place we see young people struggle to have conversations with others and resolve conflict face to face -because it is not in front of a screen! At restaurants and cafes, it is common to see a table of people who aren’t actually talking to each other but are looking down at their phones.

Although technology has a truly beautiful side, we weren’t ever really taught ‘technology etiquette’. Technology (Mobile phones, IPADS, IPODS, laptops, computers) can become an addiction if not monitored effectively. Allowing children and young people to utilise technology for extensive periods of time is damaging their brain development and contributes to a feeling of being addicted. Don’t take my word for it…. Just watch what happens if you took away technology for a few days?

And along with teaching technology etiquette around the amount of time spent on your devices, there also is the conversation around, how and when you respond to messages and comments on social media.  Often when we are emotive we can’t see the forest through the trees and don’t realise that things can go pear shaped very quickly particularly if you are feeling targeted, vulnerable, sensitive, have had a bad day or have poor impulse control. People tend to post things or send a message, not realising that words are incredibly hurtful and they sting… for a long time.  Words can never me taken back and once something is out there on the social media platform, it is out there forever. Photos, comments, sharing private information, saying unkind things, fighting and sharing inner thoughts.  For a while there, I used to think this phenomenon was more about teenagers and their inability to control their impulses. They often say and do stupid stuff without any hindsight or reflective capacity on how their actions affect others – (not entirely their fault as their brain is still developing).  But as the years have rolled on, I have seen more people who are adults and are also caught up in the ‘bad and ugly’ of technology.

So, in my true slanted style, here are some things to consider about technology:

  • There is the Generation of ‘I’ – I , I, I, I. These people tend to talk about themselves all the time or take selfies all the time. They send pictures of themselves eating, buying, going somewhere, pulling faces. They talk about how great they are, how awesome their partners are and only seem to send pictures of themselves or their children in gorgeous clothes, with gorgeous smiles, just being cute and gorgeous. I call these people the generation of ‘I’ cause they are consumed with talking about themselves. There is a lot of research out there that has called this generation the ‘Millennial Generation’ where the addiction to technology is real. Some studies have spoken about how the addiction to technology is as real as an addiction to drugs or alcohol. MRI scans of the brain and science has stated that the use of technology and receiving messages and texts releases dopamine in the brain (the feel-good hormone) and this is one of the reasons people feel so addicted to their technological devices. In essence, it makes people feel good to receive a message or a ‘like’ or a text or a reaction to their posts. So, this feeling slowly becomes an addiction and it is difficult to stop and slow down. Psychologists and therapists are now increasingly treating children and people for the addiction of technology.  The impact on children’s developing brains is profound and without effective monitoring, rules and boundaries these addictions ripple into behavioural issues, emotional issues and an inability to function or communication without technology.  As parents and adults, it is our role to teach and role model that there is more to life that status updates, more to life that taking pictures of yourself and more to life than talking about yourself all the time.  A question to consider, “What are constant selfies really saying about you?”
  • Social Isolation Generation– These people tend to sit behind some sort of technology and feel comfortable communicating, interacting and being part of the world only through a computer screen. Sad, but true. This phenomenon is becoming very popular amongst young people as they have found a way to talk or engage without having to leave the comfort of their room. And whilst there are some positives here as well – I concede that some communication and interaction is better than none at all- I have found an increasing number of parents who have come to see me who are worried about their children as they enter adulthood. Technology can be fun and allows you to read books on it, listen to music on it, talk to friends on it, learn on it etc. But all things in moderation. If you or your loved ones are spending so much time on technology and would rather talk to a computer screen than talk to someone in person, than we may have a slight problem. The Social Isolation Generation I have found are often fundamentally lonely and find it easier to try and engage with people behind a screen. This generation of people find it difficult to talk to face to face, find it hard to make new friends, have a difficult time resolving conflict and seem to only find a voice behind a screen. Challenge to self – put the screen down and try communicating face to face.
  • Balls Behind the Screen – These people seem to find it funny or amusing that they critique others or see fit to comment on people’s social medium. I have heard the comments, “I was just being honest” and “if they didn’t want people to comment then they shouldn’t post it”. Ummmm, I don’t think so people. If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say it at all. Sure, you can be honest, but you don’t need to be intentionally hurtful. This is a topic that all families need to talk about within the home. Talk to your kids about how you handle adversity and when they receive social media that is unkind or hurtful. Model to them how you would handle these situations. It isn’t talked about enough and cyber bullying is a real problem around the world.
  • Switch it Off and Develop Some Rules and Boundaries – Technology doesn’t need to be on all the time. Within our home I turn the WIFI off at 8pm every night. It isn’t because I am trying to save on electricity, it is because I am trying to teach the children that they need to give their brains a rest. Whatever happened at school doesn’t need to keep happening when they come home. And whatever happened at school can be dealt with when you get to school the next day. I have all their technology charged on the benches at home and I never leave technology in their rooms at bedtime. I can almost hear some whispers that are saying “control freak”…… there is an element of control here, but our household rules has and always has been that it is our role as parents to encourage routine and rules – some will make sense and some wont, but ultimately they have to respect them. I have been doing it for so long now that it is like brushing their teeth. They get off technology at 8pm and they know I will lose my shit if I find technology in their rooms at bed!!!

 

Implementing any change is tricky….. Talk to your kids and/or your partner and challenge them to do something different.  I could go on forever, but this blog is already turning into ‘War and Peace’. LOL.

– Jen

 

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