Why staying together for the sake of the kids makes everyone miserable….

According to Jen……

I grew up in a house hold where the majority of my adolescence was fraught with conflict and my parents were always fighting. I know they fought a lot when I was younger too, but I have very clear memories from age 11 of the dynamics of the household and the promises I made to myself.

Divorce was a topic in the late eighties and early nighties that wasn’t really discussed and if you found one person in your class that was living with divorced parents then that was rare, was met with gasps of “Oh no” and it was simply not talked about. The word ‘divorce’ was met with words such as “Oh my goodness, really?” and “Oh that is so sad”. Now days, no one seems to bat an eye lid at the word divorce and it is common place to hear and know that half of the kids in your own child’s class have either come from a family of separation, divorce or a blended family. Latest statistics indicate that one in three couples end in divorce and some earlier statistics suggest one in two couples.  When my kids were younger I remember that we had to schedule play dates in fine military precision due to some children being with dad on the weekend and some being with their mum. It was common and it was messy.

As a child, I remember being 12 years old and praying that my parents would seek a divorce. Weird and morbid I know, but for me it was about wanting and needing the conflict to end. The house was always unpredictable and there was either going to be yelling and shouting, crying and sobbing or long periods of silence in their pursuit to resolve their issues. There wasn’t any domestic violence, but there was constant fighting and uncomfortable moments. As a young nosey parker with an innate quest to understand behaviour, I did ask over those years ‘why are you still together?’ I would often get the usual response ‘we stay together for the sake of you kids’.  I couldn’t ever tell anyone my inner thoughts or feelings as divorce was so taboo and of the people we knew who were divorced, it felt like they were shamed or treated differently in some way.  So, their comment- as irrational as it sounds now- made sense to me and I lived with the guilt of my thoughts and a firm notion in my head that this scenario will never be me!!! I made a promise to myself as a young child that I would never stay in a relationship for the sake of the kids and that if things couldn’t or wouldn’t get better than I would make decisions that were in their best interests.

Until the moment I left home, I never told my parents that I prayed that they would divorce (they know now) but I was very happy when they finally decided to call it quits.  Years of conflict and failed half arsed counselling attempts were finally explored and they got divorced – thank god!  What this experience taught me was that in actual fact I was not alone in my thoughts about wanting and wishing my parents would divorce. Despite adult concepts, thoughts and best intentions it is never a good idea to stay in a conflictual loveless relationship for the sake of the children. Although your children may not express themselves, they feel the tension of their home environment too.

Children are often more perceptive and insightful than what adults give them credit for. They depend so deeply on their care givers for safety, love, nurturance and stability and when their home environment if no longer safe or happy, then they want out!  I spent 10 years working almost solely with children and it gave me such a beautiful insight into their little brains and how they think and feel. It is surprising what they are willing to say when they feel someone is listening.

So it turns out – after talking and working with many children – my ‘guilty’ thoughts of wanting my parents to get a divorce aren’t so rare after all. And despite this practice wisdom there are now books that quantify this information – staying together for the sake of the children makes everyone miserable.  Ultimately children want to live in a household that is safe, is free from on-going conflict and surrounded by people that love them. Children don’t like nor want to live in an environment that is tense, that is unpredictable and where they worry more about the behaviour and emotions of their parents than living their own life to the fullest.  Children deserve to grow up in the presence of parents that love them, teach them valuable lessons and show them how people deserve and need to be treated. I am not saying that parents should not argue and have bad times, kids need to see this as well. Kids need to see parents argue but they also need to see parents resolve their issues too.

How you as the adult model your communication, your mood and your ability to resolve conflict is often modelled by your children.

To be fair there are also children that have said to me that they are prepared to tolerate the conflict in their home due in part to having a deep desire for their parents to live the fairy tale and live happily ever after. It isn’t wrong to have these feelings and desires and it is okay. It is very normal for children to want their family to stay together and live as a family. However, the foundations of a child’s life shapes their brain and shapes the way they think and feel about the world. What I have seen is that when there are high levels of conflict within the home between couples, it is often the children that are left behind to regulate on their own and are forgotten. Often parents are busy trying to deal with their own issues that they forget about the little beings that are listening and living those same issues too. Children get confused, interpret information in their own way and are left with big feelings that don’t make sense.

Seeking professional help as a couple and individually is a proven first step in resolving conflict. Simply staying in a relationship where you are not prepared to change or at least attempt to make changes in your relationship is sad and unfair for the bystanders who watch all this unfold.  Counselling and seeking help is confronting, emotional and hard at first. But it is worth trying.

Affirmation: Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.