According to Jen……….
Now you would think as a therapist that the words “mum can I please talk to you?” would come easy….. but I am a human being with feelings and ‘to do lists’ just like everyone else (I hate to burst your ‘high expectation bubble’ but when I am home my therapy hat goes off). When I am at home and with my kids, I am a mum first and I have big feelings and emotions just like everyone else.

These little “mum can I talk to you” moments seem to always come out at the most inopportune times!!!!! I am sure kids have a radar that suggests they can sense when we as parents are busy, or just sitting down to relax or just about to get on the phone. Our weakest moment when our guard is down is usually when the questions start coming and our little cherubs require our apparent immediate attention. It always seems to be right in the middle of preparing dinner; or paying bills; writing an email or better still when you sit down with your first glass of wine.
At 5pm on a Friday afternoon I hear the statement, “Can we talk?”…….. I have to take deep breaths, quickly remind myself that 84% of communication is non-verbal and make sure I don’t roll my eyes or huff out aloud……So, I look at my child and say a very measured, “sure love, we can talk”.

I brace myself for what we are about to discuss and send reminder notes to my brain that the biggest issue for my child could actually be the smallest most insignificant issue for me. But alas these connections and conversations aren’t about me, it is important to my child so it has to be important to me.   Again, deep breaths for me and a reminder of my COS (Circle of Security – best parenting course ever!!) teaching to be ‘bigger, stronger, wiser and kind’.

And then BOOM!!! ‘The talk’ becomes a critique of something that happened in the house and how it made her feel and how she is struggling within our home (if you must know, on this occasion I was informed that there was “…….too much stress in the house”). So, this session is clearly not an advice moment, a debrief moment or an education moment. It was a moment for me to be willing to reflect and listen to what my child was saying.

When I listen to my children or other children (as a therapist) it isn’t about being right or wrong. It isn’t about whether something happened or didn’t happen. It is about listening to their story that they share and sitting with the child’s interpretation of the event or situation. When you can listen to how and what they walked away from in a situation or how they felt about a situation, then you can empathize, validate and find ways together to move forward (the fancy term is called emotional regulation).

On this particular occasion, I tried very, very hard not to interject and I listened to what my child was saying and needing. And although I really needed to go back and cook dinner, I could see that she was struggling and I needed to be the one to give her time, hold her feelings and help to regulate her feelings. And may I add, it isn’t easy listening to your child critique your home, your interactions, or any comments you may have made!

So, we talked. I apologized that she felt “stressed” at home and thanked her for being honest and talking about how she felt (I was still really needing to get back to the overcooked dinner by this stage).  We talked about that it was okay to be stressed and it was okay for families and households to go through stressful times. I reminded her that adults sometimes needed to talk about things and that children could sometimes misinterpret what was said. I acknowledged that I would be more mindful in the future of what we said, how we said things and when we said things. I also added that it was normal for parents to be annoyed at each other and have differences of opinions (yes yes, the hubby and I were arguing about finances) and it was also healthy for children to see parents argue and to see parents make up!

What I hadn’t realised is that my daughter had a friend at school whose parents recently separated and they were apparently frequently arguing about finances. My daughter had thought that because there was tension in our house about finances then we were somehow on the road to divorce!

This “mum can I talk to you” moment required 15 minutes of my time. It wasn’t a lot of time really and in that moment, I was able to listen to my child’s needs and give her a chance to talk about how she was feeling. I love that my kids are honest and I love that they feel vulnerable enough to open up to me about anything and everything. This relationship and trust has taken many years but it had to start somewhere. As their parent, I am their primary carer and it is my role to show them that they can talk to me, that I will give them time and I am willing to help organise their feelings with them.

I don’t always get it right as a mum, but I am strong enough to say I need some critiquing too sometimes and I needed to be prepared to listen to my child and sit with their interpretations of things. And although my first instinct in this “mum can I talk to you” moment was focused on me and the tasks I needed to do as a mum, everyone was okay. The family survived, the dinner didn’t burn and my daughter skipped away happily after a hug. I thanked her for sharing how she felt and she ran off content.

Then I remember sitting there for a minute feeling guilty and wanting to give myself an upper cut for not seeing how she felt earlier.  So I learnt yet another lesson and I reminded myself I am not perfect but am willing to keep trying….. sometimes when I find myself not having time, I remind myself that I have to make time. These little moments go on to be bigger moments. It wasn’t hard and it only cost me my time.

 

Affirmation: “Our reaction to a situation literally has the power to change the situation itself”