What could you say if your Mate was NOT OK?

According to jen…………

In honor of World Suicide Prevention Day………….

“My mate just told me he isn’t doing too good”

“I am worried for my friend and their state of mind but I don’t know what to say?”

As a front-line therapist, I hear the statement, ‘I didn’t know what to say or how to approach him’, all too often. People phone, make inquiries and ask me all the time, ‘How do I help my friend?’ or ‘How do I get my mate to access help?’ It seems many people genuinely want to help their mates that are in need, or seem a bit depressed, but they just don’t know how. People are either worried about saying or doing the wrong thing or people just don’t seem to know what to say at all.

So, I am going to offer some practical tips on ways to ask questions and really ask someone if they are okay?  And my hope of sharing this little tip sheet is to assist people to help their mate or friend and be able to hold someone’s feelings. The concept of ‘holding someone’s feelings’ means, can you handle what that person has to say?

It is important to note that just because someone has a low mood or is irritable, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they aren’t coping or can’t cope. But if you notice consistent low mood in someone who works with you or is close to you, I would encourage you to trust your gut and take the plunge to sit with your mate and ask them how they are.  Your very own gut instinct has its own internal radar that will send a message to you that screams, ‘something doesn’t feel right’. It you receive this memo in your brain and you have a thought or hint of concern about your mate, then chances are something is off and your mate may need someone to talk to.

RULE NUMBER 1. – Your role in asking your mate if they are OK is not to fix anything, your role is simply to listen,  provide a space for them to talk and perhaps if there is an opportunity, offer suggestions of where to go for support and help.

Research indicates that within Australia one in eight men will have depression and one in five will experience anxiety.  Although statistics are slightly higher for women, men seem to be less inclined to talk or seek help.  Depression is a high risk-factor for suicide and in Australia suicide is the leading cause of death for men under the age of 54 years (www.beyondblue.com).

Questions/Statements to Consider

R U OK? This popular slogan and statement is now encouraged and utilised Australia wide in an effort to help people who may not be coping and provide a space to talk. Beyond Blue and the Black Dog Institute are the backbones of this initiative and the reason we are helping people to talk about how they feel.

Not to be negative nancy, but whenever we have R U OK days at work or nationally, I brace myself for the coming days and weeks.  I often see an influx of people who present to my service who have either attempted to harm themselves or feel an increased lower mood since being asked if they were actually OK. So, in my true inquisitive style, I started probing and asking people why? Why after such a powerful initiative such as R U OK Day would people feel worse? I had my own theories for quite some time, but I was actually surprised when people shared with me that their mood often declined because it was felt, “people can’t handle what I have to say”. 

One particular gentlemen spoke to me after a self-harming attempt. He told me how when he finally had the courage to talk, the looks on his colleagues faces made him feel that he should retract his feelings and not say anything at all. Another man told me how he was dismissed and told to, “cheer up, things aren’t that bad”. Another said, “I tried to say that I was not coping and I wanted to hurt myself and I was told, don’t say such stupid things”.

It is these comments and countless others that have prompted me to write this blog. My contribution to honor World Suicide Prevention Day is to offer some tips to the everyday person on things you could say if you thought, or were told, that your mate was not okay.

Tips:

• It is okay to be honest and tell the person that you have noticed changes in their behaviour (or mood) that is causing you to be concerned. Eg. “Hey mate. How are you? I know you might be saying everything is okay, but in the last few weeks you seem a little different and down. Is everything really okay? I am always here as your friend….”
• Try to avoid judgemental or subjective comments about why people may not be coping. Saying things such as “..I don’t know what he has to be depressed about. He has a job, a wife, kids” OR “..saying you wanting to hurt yourself is a cop out”. There are many compounding factors and feelings as to why people feel like they need to hurt themselves. Please be mindful that your role in supporting your mate is not to try and figure out WHY, it is just to sit with them in their pain and offer a listening ear – and perhaps suggestions of support.
• The is a lot of power in just sitting and listening. It is harder than you think to just sit in uncomfortable spaces and just listen.
• Please do not underestimate the power of EMPATHY and allowing people to feel while they share their story.
• If you are going to ask people if they are okay, be prepared to have the time to listen to the answer. Asking someone if you are okay as you are rushing to your car or to an appointment only serves to reinforce to the other person that they are being dismissed.
• Be mindful of the way you ask. “You are okay aren’t ya mate?” – This comment will elicit a very different response, compared to, “Are you okay? Things just don’t seem ok for you at the moment”.
• Encourage them to talk to their GP, a counsellor, their partner, their boss.
• Practical support could include, going to see a health professional with them and helping to make an appointment. It is okay to follow up after the appointment and ask how it went.
• Suggest 24 hours support numbers or community agencies to assist them so they are not alone.
• Remember support is about listening, suggesting options for support and not pressuring anyone to make decisions.
• Stay connected to the person who tells you they aren’t okay. Invite them to social activities, call them and check up on them. Staying connected and making your mate feel like someone cares can sometimes make all the difference.

Above all else, please be mindful that ultimately the decision for someone to end their life or hurt themselves does not rest on you. All you can do is offer support and a listening ear and hope that that will be enough for your mate to shift their thougths.

Support Numbers:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

Mensline: 1300 78 9978