The Dark Side of Social Drinking – Jekyll and Hyde

According to Jen…….

Drinking to put it simply is a topic and a phenomenon that has intrigued me for years. Social drinking is everywhere you turn and most adult interactions seem to involve the need to have a drink or share a drink.  Growing up in a household where drinking was an ‘issue’ taught me from a young age that consuming alcohol equalled ‘being unpredictable’.  This ‘unpredictable’ behaviour was also experienced regularly as I became an adult, in and around family circles. Sometimes those around me who were drinking alcohol would seem to have fun, laugh and their company was joyous and funny.  Then there were other times where it was fraught with fighting, crying, hostility and unmanageable behaviour.

As a therapist, I am acutely aware of how the consumption of alcohol is still very much the topic of conversation within relationships and I still see and hear the dynamics that drinking brings within a family, within a couple and the impact that it has on children. For the purpose of this blog I am not talking about alcoholism or alcohol dependence, I am talking about the dark side of social drinking.

For a long time, I didn’t really understand why I didn’t really like drinking. I never seemed to morph into one of those teenagers that thought it was cool to drink and when I met my husband this trait continued and I was happy being the designated driver. I was often challenged over the years about why I didn’t drink, but these comments seemed (to me) that my choice not to drink was more of an issue for other people than for me. For some reason not drinking implied that I was antisocial or unable to relax or unable to have fun. It just seemed to be the Australian way.  BBQ’s, dinners, gatherings and even catch up with girlfriends included some element of alcohol.  Now let’s not sugar coat things, I have had drinks and I do enjoy a drink at times but it was never part of who I was. I didn’t want or need the vice of alcohol to relax or feel part of some social norm – and it be frank it scared me to think that I could become one of ‘those’ people that needed alcohol as soon as I walked in the door from work.

After years of soul searching, researching, working with couples and conversations with my supervisor (my mentor), I was able to see that social drinking affects people in different ways. As a constant bystander to years of ‘social drinking’ that went wrong, I became hypervigilant to any drinking and was in a constant state of “oh god what is going to happen?”

So it is with that understanding that I actually get it. I understand now why sometimes it feels okay to drink socially or be with someone drinking socially and sometimes it just isn’t. The process in moving forward and understanding this was also about being comfortable enough to sit with this curiosity, sit with these feelings and emotions and name the real issue – alcohol can still be an issue when it is under the guise of ‘social drinking’. This is especially true when this has happened to you one too many times.

When people drink, they are often unaware of the hurtful things they do and say. They are unaware of how their actions and statements impact on and sit with people. They are unaware of how their unpredictable behaviour profoundly impacts on their relationships with others, their relationships with their loved ones and on the developing brain of children. Often people who consume alcohol lose control of their impulses and forget the hurt they leave behind.  Trust is broken and relationships change.  Social drinking becomes a hidden subject because it doesn’t quite meet the threshold of alcohol addiction, but the bystanders, partners and children live with this uncertainty on a daily or weekly basis. Children learn to listen to the sounds of the wine being poured or the beer being opened, partners watch as their loved one walks through the door with yet another carton of beer and years of previous hurt flood to the forefront of your mind. The innocent bystander is caught in yet another roller coaster of uncertainty involving drinking.

I am not anti-drinking at all. I appreciate that social drinking can be fun and can involve laughter and great times. However, there is a dark side of drinking socially that contributes to the roller coaster of unpredictability and broken trust. Drinking is becoming an increasing issue within everyday homes and is affecting relationships.

Consider the following:

• If you need alcohol in order to relax or have a good time, then there may be underlying layers that need to be explored.
• If your partner comments on your drinking and how much you are consuming, are you listening to their concerns? What are they really trying to tell you?
• Are your children counting your beer bottles or making comments about your drinking and changes in your behaviour?
• Are you finding instances where you don’t remember what you did or said, but your loved ones are the ones standing by watching and remembering these events?
• Are you Jekyll and Hyde when you are drinking? Do you change?  Does your personality alter?
• Do you like the person you are when you are drinking? Is pretending easier than your reality?

The dark side of social drinking is destroying relationships every day. Consider doing something about it before everything you once loved and cherish no longer tolerate the Jekyll and Hyde.

Affirmation: Self awareness doesn’t stop you from making mistakes, it allows you to learn from them.