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Don’t talk to your children about big stuff after 6pm!

According to jen……………

Before you think I have lost my marbles, just hear me out…

On a very practical level it is wonderful that we are all working hard as parents/ carers to talk to our children about feelings, labelling feelings, expressing emotions and keeping open lines of communication. All sounds very positive, research based and well on the way to stronger connection…. However, there is one itty bitty variable that I think parents should consider – Please don’t talk to your children about big stuff after 6pm!!!

Being a working mum with two children, most of my early mum life was spent in a daze of business with constant thought processes involving guilt and not being good enough. As my days were long, the children seemed to have this uncanny knack to start talking about their feelings, their day or something that was bothering them right before bed time!!!! My thoughts often resorted to ‘Are you serious right now, we are going to talk about this NOW?!!!’ or ‘Why did you not bring this up three hours ago when I had time and am not going to collapse with exhaustion?’ But in my true therapy style, I would respond with something motherly and remind myself that I needed to be present, available and grateful that they wanted to talk to me.

These ‘just before bed’ conversations never seemed to end well and everyone seemed to be more emotionally charged. They usually ended in one of the children crying and me abruptly ending the conversation the more it dragged on and then walking away feeling that I still didn’t do a good enough job in holding their feelings or allowing them to share their day.  After many years of this cycle one day I decided that I would actually openly apologise for my behaviour and be open with the kids about how I would try to be more patient, available and understanding about their feelings or issues when they wanted to talk to me. So, I said, “Can we just talk a little more about how you were feeling last night about your friend at school? How are feeling today?” To my surprise I was met, “Oh that was last night… I feel fine about going to school and I am just going to walk away if there is any more drama”. And with that, the conversation was over……

That same afternoon, I decided I was going to experiment with talking to the children earlier in the day or in the morning and keep night time bed routine about sleeping, rather than talking. So, I did just that. I talked to kids about my observations in their own behaviours and I explained that I had seen that they were more emotional about life, friends, school, feelings and just in general after 6pm and as a result we were not going to talk about anything ‘big’ after 6pm. I explained that I would be more than available and happy to listen in the morning or straight after school, but anything after 6pm had to wait to the next day. Mr Seven at the time said, “Oh so you are only a part time parent and I can only talk to you at certain times” (yes, he is smart and quick). I said, “No I am always available and always willing to listen. But when we talk about issues, problems or big feelings at night time, everyone has a harder time settling and handling their feelings”. We came up with a ‘Feelings Box’ instead and this meant if anyone remembered something they wanted to talk about or felt that there was something on their mind at night, then we would write in down and put in the box for discussion the next day.

Example:

Child- “I really miss my dog. Why did he have to go?”

Parent- “Oh I can hear that you really miss our dog. It is okay to miss him. I would really love to talk to you more about this tomorrow. Let’s write this down and talk about it in the morning or tomorrow afternoon. Thank you for sharing how you feel. I am definitely going to help to talk with you about this.”

And so 10 years on, I still sit with the same philosophy and share this parenting hack with my clients. I have worked with thousands of families and I share this explanation with anyone that has children under 18 years. The feedback has been overwhelming positive and I have seen calmer households, more connected children and more responsive families just by being mindful of this little tip. Most households are tired at night and when it is time for bed at least one party is tired. When we are tired we all respond differently, are usually more emotional and have less patience. This same little tip applies for parents wanting to talk to their children – perhaps consider whether night time or near bed time is the best option for you to have conversations about big stuff with your children?

As I was writing this blog, Miss Twelve comes in and says “Oh yeah mum, this was one of your better ideas. Talking about big stuff before bed leaves our minds open about it in our head and we don’t sleep very well….. and we used to get very emotional”.

– Jen

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People Watching – Observations through the eyes of Circle of Security Learnings.

People watching – admit it, most of you love it!!! It is a favourite past time of so many of us. It is so interesting when we get to sit and start watching how other people walk, watch people talk to each other, watch what they are wearing, where they might be working, make up stories about their lives etc etc. Sometimes I look at other couples and think how beautiful it is that they show each other affection and, in that moment look as though they are in love. Other times I watch parents with children and chuckle to myself remembering those developmental stages where the kids chuck a massive wobbly over something small and then parents go red in the face hoping that this ‘stage’ would please end soon. Most of the time, my thoughts are positive and they enter my brain and leave just as quickly……….

My therapist brain, however, sometimes goes into over drive and I find ‘people watching’ fascinating. I like to watch human interaction and make observations on predictable behaviour and patterns I see in behaviour. I enjoy it. I keep learning every day.  I look at body language, listen to tone, listen to the language used in conversations and find myself making assumptions and assessments and then craving to know more. Weird but true. Human behaviour is fascinating to me. And after listening and working with thousands of people over the years, you see patterns emerge quickly and your curiosity grows.  It isn’t about right or wrong, it is just about observing. Sometimes I see things other people don’t and sometimes I want to intervene and make some suggestions about where this continued behaviour could lead (and in case you were wondering, my mouth sometimes does get the better of me and words just come out before I can stop them – foot in mouth disease).

On holiday’s recently I had the awesome opportunity to observe children playing at the park on a daily basis. Our apartment was right opposite a park and everyday it was full of children and families. On any given day, there was loads of interesting stuff happening. On one particular day, I asked my husband to conduct a small social experiment and watch the park with me. I asked him to observe the park and then we would come back together in the apartment and chat for two minutes about what he saw versus what I saw.

This is what my husband observed in a 30-minute period – “a bunch of kids and families playing in the park”. The end. Not quite the conversation I was looking for, but my experiment was interesting.  So, he asked me, “what did you see?” This is what I observed in a 30-minute period:

  • A young dad arrived at the park with his son. The little boy would have been approximately 2 or 3 years old. Dad parked his car, walked to the park with this son, plonked him in the main play area and then went away to an outer seating area and sat watching all the joggers jogging by. His son, fell a few times and got up on his own, he asked his dad to play a few times by attempting to give him his toy truck but his dad remained seated and continued watching other people. Eventually the little boy gave up and sat on his own filling his truck with sand and then emptying it. I found this interaction sad to watch as this little boy really wanted to play with his dad and he didn’t get the interaction he was craving. There was no ‘delight in me’ moments or ‘watch over me moments’. Taking your child to the park and making them play on their own without any interaction is not play, nor is it fun.
  • A mum of two young children under five arrived and assisted her children to take their shoes off and then went and sat on a park bench. Her mobile phone came out of her pocket and she proceeded to watch something incredibly interesting on her phone for the duration of the park play time. One of her children started crying at one point and she looked up, but seeing the child was not in too much distress she quickly returned to her phone. Too often this scenario is all too familiar. Parents take their children to activities and spend the duration glued to their phones. Children want and need interaction from their parents. Watching one of the children hurt themselves and then not seek comfort from his mother, showed me that this had happened a lot in the child’s life and he had learned that his carer (his mother) was not always there to comfort him.
  • There were other older children playing at the park too, but I hadn’t realised they were a family until a short time. They seemed to play on different equipment at the park at varying intervals, however there was one child who wasn’t so keen on playing but rather swinging routinely on the swing without much emotion at all. She was staring ahead intently and then I realised she was watching her parents fighting at a park bench away from the main park. I can’t be sure that they were her parents, but at times the children would run to them and say something or go and get a drink. In any case, there were two adults fighting while the children were playing. My therapist hat wanted to go over to the parents and remind them that although they were arguing at a distance, their non-verbals and body language was speaking a thousand words and one of their children was clearly not able to enjoy her play as she was too worried about her parents. I also wanted to go over to the swing and distract the little girl on the swing with some kind words of reassurance that, ‘sometimes parents fight and it is okay for them to talk things out’. It made me wonder whether this child had anyone to help organise her feelings?
  • At the edge of the park another father arrived with his two younger boys. They would have been approximately 4 and 6 years old or close too. They were running around hitting each other and running into other children and adults while they were dodging hits, slaps and kicks from each other. At different times, the elder boy would start crying and then the younger one would start crying. Clearly their attempt at play was not working and they were fighting with each other with no regard for themselves or the other people that were collateral damage. The father seemed content talking to other women at the park and did not seem to react to his children’s behaviour or cries. When I watched these two boys running around causing havoc, I began to think about what life at school and in other social settings would be like for these children. They had a parent who was not able to set appropriate boundaries or teach them any values around empathy when they hurt other people during their own hostility between each other. The fact that the father did not see an issue with this behaviour and did not attempt to discipline or intervene, concerned me that he had such difficulty in addressing his own children’s anger towards each other and others. Anger was a clearly a feeling that triggered him and he could not deal with.
  • And then there was the ‘helicopter mum’. She was hovering around her daughter who would have been about 3 years old. The mum walked up the slippery dip with her, walked in front of her ensuring the ground was safe, and ignored her child’s pleas for independence. She wouldn’t allow her daughter to swing on the swings and the more she didn’t allow it, the more the child wouldn’t give up on her quest to want to use the swing. Whilst this mum appeared loving and caring in one sense, her over protectiveness showed me that she had difficulty with her child’s need for exploring and seeking independence. This behaviour was more about mum than the child. To me it showed an anxious parent with the hall marks of developing an insecure child, as her mum was teaching her the world is unsafe and you need to stay close to me.

Back in the apartment my husband said “Omg, I am tired just thinking about all that!!!!!”. So, he says, “Okay, I want you to look around the apartment room and tell me what you see?” I spent two minutes talking about a bunch of lights, furniture and some décor. Then he spent the next 10 minutes describing to me in more detail about the lights, the type of lights, the electricity, the air conditioning unit, paint, wall structure, issues he saw and improvements he would make etc.  The point was, when we have a passion or a skill we look at situations, people and things differently.

Observations of people and behaviour is my thing. I use the learnings and skills from the Circle of Security (COS) to work with children, families and couples.  I see things a little differently to other people, but it isn’t about critiquing, it is about sharing what I have learnt, challenging habits and up-skilling where I can.

 

Affirmation: Children don’t say “I had a hard day, can we talk? They say, “Will you play with me?”

– Jen

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30 Minutes a Day

So after I felt like I had been the world’s shittiest parent I knew I needed help with my son processing how he was feeling.  The guilt around this whole scenario was overwhelming (refer to blog – Hollywood Movie). My self-talk was pretty much burning myself at the stake and prosecuting myself to some life sentence. Despite everything I had read and been taught at University, I honestly thought I was a shit parent and I had successfully screwed up my child for life.

So with the reluctant husband in tow we (well it should read ‘I’) found a therapist that we felt comfortable with and trusted enough to talk about our shit parenting and sufferings of our child. As with most men, my husband felt like we could handle things at home and that in time everything would be back too normal. Whilst that was a beautiful thought, I knew after working with loads of traumatised kids that we needed to give our child some professional support and a chance to talk to someone that would listen to whatever he said or felt. We also needed help as parents to learn ways to support him and nurture him.

Session number one was disaster. Even though I knew our son needed help, there was a huge part of me that was searching for validation and a pat on the back or even a statement telling me ‘you are good enough and you are doing a good job’. Well my expectations weren’t further from reality!!!!

This therapist we had chosen was a woman I had worked with in the past and she was well respected and very smart. So I think I convinced myself that she would tell us as parents that we were awesome and the stress of our lives wasn’t our fault and it was really up to our son to go through the motions. Oh no no no no no. After telling our story, our concerns and giving a run- down of our day to day lives she said, “Jen could you honestly say you spend 30 minutes a day with your child?”. I remember thinking “what is this lady smoking? Has she not been listening? Why aren’t we cutting to the chase and you telling me some strategies to manage his behaviour?”

So in my true arrogant style I comfortably rattled of 50 things that I do with and for my child and was secure that my response well exceeded this whole 30 minutes! And then she says “That’s not what I mean. I mean when do you actually sit and spend 30 minutes a day quality time with your son?” The room was silent and my husband and I looked at each other and said nothing.

And then I got angry. Years of learnt behaviour has taught me to be quite skilled at masking my emotions, so I promptly said “well that’s a good homework exercise for us to work on”. She made another appointment – and I picked a date and time that I knew I couldn’t attend- and I had already made up my mind I wasn’t going to see her ever again.

I went home and talked to my husband and we were both of the notion we were awesome parents and what the hell did she know anyway. But after several days, I couldn’t shake the therapists statement about 30 mins a day.

I had convinced myself I was a good mum and I had done the same thing year after year with the intention that I wanted my children to have opportunities and have a great life. I worked five days a week 8-5pm. What this actually meant is I got the kids up 6am, left the house at 7am, dropped them off at before school care, worked all day, picked them up from after school care, raced them to their activities which included soccer practice, swim squad and acting lessons. We would usually be home by 6.30pm, I would feed them by 7pm, bath and homework somewhere in between all that and have them in bed by 7.30pm. My husband was working 6 days a week and he would usually leave before the kids woke and would be home when we got home.  My life was full and I was on a tight schedule. God forbid the kids forgot their lunch box or hat or homework- I would lose my shit! Life was busy.
I had somehow somewhere along the way convinced myself that this was life and I was doing all this for my family.  After all I never did anything for myself – I never went out, hardly saw my friends and I wasn’t keen on seeing family as it was always full of drama.  I went to church, grocery shopped at the same time every week, walked the dogs and cleaned the house. I dreamt of having an affair with a book on a beach somewhere and prayed that the day would come that I could have breakfast in peace.

When I finally stopped being annoyed at the therapist, I was able to have an ounce of reflection albeit for a second and it all just slapped me in the face so hard. I remember sitting in my cupboard crying with the realisation that the therapist was right. I couldn’t even count 30 minutes in a week that I spent with my kids!!!!!

I went back to the therapist and we talked about my reflective moment and things that needed to change. I told her she was right and I hated hearing it. I felt like shit already trying to process my son’s words about ‘remembering me as a mum that always worked’ and now this. The therapist reminded me that the whole reason for going to see her in the first place wasn’t about me, it was about what my son and children needed.

At first I really didn’t think I could change anything. Maybe reduce my kid’s sports? Maybe get my husband to help more? Maybe take some leave from work?  But truth be told everything had to change. I had to change the way I thought, change what was happening every day and I had to change the fact that I was living for the future and not the present. I needed to slow down, say ‘no’ more often, do less and enjoy the kids.  Whilst it took me a while to realise this worldly notion, it took me longer to make the changes we needed to in the house.

But we did it. I cut down the kid’s extracurricular activities to only one sport each. I left my job and found another where I worked no longer than 3pm and I spent time getting to know my kids and enjoying them.  My son went to see the therapist for a few months and she fed back to us what he was feeling so we could make changes in our family.

Things got better, a lot better. My kids were happier, my husband was happier and I felt as though I was a step closer to balance. So although we went through all our adversity I really believe it all happened for a reason. I see the world and people differently. I understand how much it hurts when your kids are in pain and I understand what it means to feel like you are a shit parent. But it is never too late to make even subtle changes in your home for yourself, your marriage or your children.

Could you honestly say you spend 30 minutes a day with your children?

Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places

– Jen

 

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Baby Shower – The Best Gift Ever!

Being a social person and someone who has moved around a fair bit, I have had the lovely opportunity to attend copious amounts of Baby Showers!!! Love em. Who doesn’t like the opportunity to sit with your friend beaming with happiness that they are about to have a baby. Super cute. So after attending many of these events, I had a ‘lightening bolt’ moment that I could actually help and give a pressie that perhaps might last a little longer than the cute outfits I used to like buying.

So here is my gift……. It is advice. Yes advice. But I am mindful that advice is a like a butt hole – everyone has one! So here is my advice – from a crazy therapist, a colleague, a friend and a mum who made many mistakes.

  • Sleepless nights don’t last forever. Yes, despite it seeming like it is forever, it does pass and you will get a full nights’ sleep again.
  • The first six to twelve weeks are bloody hard. But it gets better!
  • Babies and kids go through stages. Some are joyful and some are darn right annoying. But they are STAGES and they pass. Stuff like being clingy, biting, chucking tantrums, throwing food, drawing on everything, talking back. Remind yourself that is a stage and somewhat normal. Nurture your bubba to understand what behaviour is ok and not okay and they will pass the ‘stage’ with ease.
  • When your child is being a turd, remember to comment and reprimand the behaviour, NOT the person. “I love you but that behaviour is not okay”. Saying stuff like “what is wrong with you?” and “are you stupid?” only serves to blame the person and not the behaviour. Remember to separate the two.
  • Babies and kids’ emotions are governed by their primary care giver. If you are angry, sad, frustrated etc than your child will exhibit these same similar behaviours (even when they can’t talk they are very perceptive to their environment). Help your child to understand that it is okay to be upset about things and that as their main carer you will be there to help them through some big feelings.
  • The way you talk to your child becomes their inner voice – my favourite affirmation ever. Keeps me grounded when I feel like losing my shite sometimes.
  • How you talk to your partner and friends, how you argue, whether you call each other names, yell and swear all serves as the platform as to how your child talks to you and resolves conflict.
  • Your kids aren’t your friends. Your role is to be their parent. Their world needs to be a positive place for your child. How you feel about your ex, your mother in law or the neighbour, are conversations that don’t need to be had with kids. Try finding some one liners that deflect further conversations, “these are adult conversations” (when they overhear you talking about someone) or “your grandmother loves you and I am grateful that you both have a good relationship” (when you can’t stand your mother in law).
  • Routines are in!! You have to provide stability, healthy routine (yes kids thrive on routine), and an environment at home that is safe haven for them – the world is a scary enough place, let them have one place where they are hugged, loved and told they are good enough.
  • Start a sleep routine as early as possible – one that you can manage and that is realistic. Infants and children need a structured bedtime. Dull lights, calm house, quiet time, story time, lots of hugs. Encourage as early as possible for children to sleep in their own beds.
  • Read and talk to your child all day!!!!!! Their brains develop the fastest between 0-4 years. Pump that engine full of information and learning opportunities.
  • All kids need relationships with both parents. Each parent plays an equal role in a child’s life. Although this can be hard (for lots of reasons), remember it is important for children to learn from the significant people in their life. It isn’t always about you, but if it is good for your child than give them a change to thrive.
  • Buying expensive clothes and equipment and toys doesn’t mean your child will be smarter or better or will even appreciate you more. Just remember expensive isn’t always better.
  • Trust your instinct as a parent. It sends you stronger signals than you know.
  • Not everything you need to know about parenting and kids is found in a book! Sometimes Google is not your friend.
  • Don’t compare your child, sleep patterns, milestones and birth stories with others. Everyone has a different story.
  • Part of becoming a parent is accepting that you are hit with the ‘guilty’ stick. Parenting is a hard gig and you will always question yourself and feel like you are not doing good enough.
  • If things become tricky, ask for help. There are tonnes of community and government agencies out there that can help – 24 hr lines, free services, groups. Kids don’t come with a manual so ask for help. Parenting courses should be mandatory I think- they are a great way of gathering ideas and better ways of parenting.
  • Read lots and ask lots of questions from people who you value and can help you…….
  • And yes, they grow up fast and they can move you, and evoke emotions in you in ways you never thought possible.

Okay there is so much more to say, but I think you have the gist by now. Be grateful for your gift, your child and remind them every day how much they are loved and appreciated.

– Jen

 

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