According to Jen……

I grew up in a house hold where the majority of my adolescence was fraught with conflict and my parents were always fighting. I know they fought a lot when I was younger too, but I have very clear memories from age 11 of the dynamics of the household and the promises I made to myself.

Divorce was a topic in the late eighties and early nighties that wasn’t really discussed and if you found one person in your class that was living with divorced parents then that was rare, was met with gasps of “Oh no” and it was simply not talked about. The word ‘divorce’ was met with words such as “Oh my goodness, really?” and “Oh that is so sad”. Now days, no one seems to bat an eye lid at the word divorce and it is common place to hear and know that half of the kids in your own child’s class have either come from a family of separation, divorce or a blended family. Latest statistics indicate that one in three couples end in divorce and some earlier statistics suggest one in two couples.  When my kids were younger I remember that we had to schedule play dates in fine military precision due to some children being with dad on the weekend and some being with their mum. It was common and it was messy.

As a child, I remember being 12 years old and praying that my parents would seek a divorce. Weird and morbid I know, but for me it was about wanting and needing the conflict to end. The house was always unpredictable and there was either going to be yelling and shouting, crying and sobbing or long periods of silence in their pursuit to resolve their issues. There wasn’t any domestic violence, but there was constant fighting and uncomfortable moments. As a young nosey parker with an innate quest to understand behaviour, I did ask over those years ‘why are you still together?’ I would often get the usual response ‘we stay together for the sake of you kids’.  I couldn’t ever tell anyone my inner thoughts or feelings as divorce was so taboo and of the people we knew who were divorced, it felt like they were shamed or treated differently in some way.  So, their comment- as irrational as it sounds now- made sense to me and I lived with the guilt of my thoughts and a firm notion in my head that this scenario will never be me!!! I made a promise to myself as a young child that I would never stay in a relationship for the sake of the kids and that if things couldn’t or wouldn’t get better than I would make decisions that were in their best interests.

Until the moment I left home, I never told my parents that I prayed that they would divorce (they know now) but I was very happy when they finally decided to call it quits.  Years of conflict and failed half arsed counselling attempts were finally explored and they got divorced – thank god!  What this experience taught me was that in actual fact I was not alone in my thoughts about wanting and wishing my parents would divorce. Despite adult concepts, thoughts and best intentions it is never a good idea to stay in a conflictual loveless relationship for the sake of the children. Although your children may not express themselves, they feel the tension of their home environment too.

Children are often more perceptive and insightful than what adults give them credit for. They depend so deeply on their care givers for safety, love, nurturance and stability and when their home environment if no longer safe or happy, then they want out!  I spent 10 years working almost solely with children and it gave me such a beautiful insight into their little brains and how they think and feel. It is surprising what they are willing to say when they feel someone is listening.

So it turns out – after talking and working with many children – my ‘guilty’ thoughts of wanting my parents to get a divorce aren’t so rare after all. And despite this practice wisdom there are now books that quantify this information – staying together for the sake of the children makes everyone miserable.  Ultimately children want to live in a household that is safe, is free from on-going conflict and surrounded by people that love them. Children don’t like nor want to live in an environment that is tense, that is unpredictable and where they worry more about the behaviour and emotions of their parents than living their own life to the fullest.  Children deserve to grow up in the presence of parents that love them, teach them valuable lessons and show them how people deserve and need to be treated. I am not saying that parents should not argue and have bad times, kids need to see this as well. Kids need to see parents argue but they also need to see parents resolve their issues too.

How you as the adult model your communication, your mood and your ability to resolve conflict is often modelled by your children.

To be fair there are also children that have said to me that they are prepared to tolerate the conflict in their home due in part to having a deep desire for their parents to live the fairy tale and live happily ever after. It isn’t wrong to have these feelings and desires and it is okay. It is very normal for children to want their family to stay together and live as a family. However, the foundations of a child’s life shapes their brain and shapes the way they think and feel about the world. What I have seen is that when there are high levels of conflict within the home between couples, it is often the children that are left behind to regulate on their own and are forgotten. Often parents are busy trying to deal with their own issues that they forget about the little beings that are listening and living those same issues too. Children get confused, interpret information in their own way and are left with big feelings that don’t make sense.

Seeking professional help as a couple and individually is a proven first step in resolving conflict. Simply staying in a relationship where you are not prepared to change or at least attempt to make changes in your relationship is sad and unfair for the bystanders who watch all this unfold.  Counselling and seeking help is confronting, emotional and hard at first. But it is worth trying.

Affirmation: Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.

According to Jen……….

After 20 years in a relationship I have learnt a lot from my hubby. I have conducted many social experiments along that way and have tested theories first hand. It has been an interesting journey to say the least.

His version:

“I want sex, I need sex and if I could have it all the time I would”.  And his very famous quote (he is pretty witty my man) is “oh that’s right, we can’t have it today cause the suns and moons and the planets aren’t aligned today”.  Whilst his little saying always makes me chuckle, he really doesn’t get women and what we need, what we want, the complexities of how we think and how it changes every day!

Without a shadow of a doubt, his love language is “physical touch” and he NEEDS sex like it is oxygen! Conducting yet another one of my ‘social experiments’ on my hubby I asked him out of the blue a few weeks ago, “How often do you think of sex?” Without a second of hesitation he says, “about 30-40 times”. So, I said, “oh you mean 30- 40 times a week?” and he says, “shit no, 30-40 times a day”. I nearly fell off my chair. He asked me the same question and I said, “2-3 times a day”.  Of course, this information intrigued me and I kept on asking questions. And in my usual fashion I rung around some trustworthy friends and asked them the same question and they asked their partners. And just to ensure my cohort of experiments was accurate (in the world according to jen…), I started asking my clients.  And it seems my husband’s way of thinking isn’t far from the reality of other men either.

My version:

There is a difference between sex and intimacy and depending on my mood and needs, I want both. A lot of the time sex for women is about connection. In that moment it is about two people connecting and sharing the most private awesome moment. However, women often need to feel emotionally connected to want more sex. Our ‘emotional cup’ needs to be full before we want and need to be intimate. So, for example if my hubby folds the clothes, cook’s dinner and helps with the kids, then I see him in a different light and I almost find it sexy (weird but true).

And then there is the dreaded level of how I feel about my body and not wanting to bare all when I having a “fat day”. Despite munching on lettuce and broccoli all week, my brain suddenly remembers the sliver of cheesecake I had and I can envisage that piece sitting on my arse. No sex for you tonight honey………..  And despite his pleas of telling me how wonderful I am and how much he thinks I am awesome, ‘the suns and moons and planets are not aligned’.

And then sometimes there are times when I just can’t and I don’t feel like it. Despite it being amazing, I have nothing left at the end of day and can’t be arsed to do one more thing before my head hits the pillow. It is not that it is a chore, it is just that when you have children you feel pulled in every direction to cater for their needs and there are also times when it feels like a covert mission to sneak in a nookie and not look like you have run a marathon or reconfigured your clothes all of a sudden – teenagers are smarter than you think and of course they know everything. And sometimes as a working mother I just want to head to the bedroom where it is okay for it to be my turn to be selfish and not be available to anyone.

FACTS (According to Jen)

• Sex can and should feel amazing. It releases feel good hormones into your brain and body. So you look younger and feel fantastic. Winning!
• Sex and intimacy is a huge part of any relationship. If you can balance both you are doing well.
• Men and women have different needs. It can’t always be about him and it can’t always be about you. Be prepared to be flexible. Compromise is key here.
• The more sex you have the more you will want (proven in studies).
• Relationships go through stages. Sometimes you want more and sometimes you can survive on less.
• In general men do not focus on their partners flaws or fat bits. More than anything, men love it when women act and feel sexy ( I didn’t make that up, proven in studies and literature).
• Be prepared to try new things (not new people… new THINGS). Talking about sex can be fun.
• Sex keeps couples connected.
• Talk about your wants, needs and desires.
• Life changes affect everyone’s libido – pregnancy, new baby, children, new job, moving, stress, pressure etc. Remember they are stages and can be worked through.

So as I was writing this blog my husband sits down and reads what I wrote. He says, “You are siding with women. How are you going to help men who want it more?”  Remember it is not up to me to fix anything or change anything about you or relationship. My style is about helping you to think differently. We all get caught up in our own thoughts and wants, and struggle with the mindful journey of self-reflection.  Sometimes a little change could mean the world of difference in your sex life.

Affirmation : A person just gets sexier and sexier when you are attracted to their soul.

There isn’t a week that goes by that someone doesn’t spill their guts and tell me that they had an affair, are wanting to have an affair or think their partner is having an affair.

So when I am talking about affairs, I am talking about physical affairs and emotional affairs. The act of betraying your partner and engaging in an intimate relationship with someone else that is NOT your partner.

Ultimately affairs are a betrayal of trust. It is about secrets, lies and sharing yourself with someone outside the relationship. And although the majority of the population at any given time would probably say affairs are ‘wrong’, unfortunately it is more common than you think. Specific statistics and literature often vary- depending on who you ask- however what is agreed is that affairs are common and are increasing!

A wise colleague once said to me, “affairs are symptoms of problems that already exist”. And he was right. I use that sentence a lot with the people I work with and I ask people to repeat that sentence slowly until it makes sense. If you read and process this statement, it isn’t about blaming the person who chose the affair. It is about looking at the relationship and seeing where the problems exist. Is the problem that one person is never happy or content? Is it that one person is always looking outside the relationship for happiness? Is it that just one person is selfish and likes the attention of others? What is really going on in the relationship?

(I use this sentiment when I talk to people about the misuse of drugs or someone who has a gambling addiction – these behaviours are also symptoms of problems that already exist.)

I have spoken to people who have disclosed multiple affairs, desires to continue affairs, conversations about being on the cusp of an affair, one night stands and affairs that have led to secret families and children.  I have spoken to people who fall apart after a moment of weakness and try and live with their secret and I have spoken to men and women who live to continue to have multiple affairs at any opportunity and show no remorse or moment of reflecting on the consequences of their behaviour.

As a therapist I always found it interesting that the word ‘affair’ is used as a blanket statement. To me, there is a huge difference between a one- night stand (and a person who admits the incident and says sorry) compared to someone who continues an affair for months or years at a time (and wants to continue to do so). In the same notion I feel the word ‘drug user’ is also used as a blanket statement.  Again there is a huge difference in someone that smokes marijuana once a year at Christmas parties compared to someone who uses ICE or crack cocaine on a daily basis- yet the wording is the same???

When I work with people where an affair is present in their relationship, there is a big difference in working with people who have made a mistake, compared to people who keep making mistakes and having regular affairs.

With all these stories, one common theme always seems to emerge-  People either start thinking or engaging in affairs when their needs are not being met.  For many reasons, somewhere along the line people feel disconnected within their relationship. They talk about not feeling loved, not feeling listened to or feeling as though the spark has gone (I am not condoning affairs in anyway, I am simply sharing what I have learnt along the way).

People are naturally drawn to people that make them smile, make them laugh, listen to them and make them feel good about themselves. So when cracks emerge in relationships, affairs begin when other people start filling voids that you feel you aren’t getting at home and before you know it ……………….the affair is born.

The majority of people that I have worked with tell me that affairs are a deal breaker for them. One step over the moral compass line and they are gone. But I have also worked with couples who want to talk about their infidelities and want to stay together to work on their relationship.

Talking to a professional and getting to the real issue of why someone looked outside the relationship is the key to processing what happened, why it happened and what next. The absolute raw, devastating emotions of a partner who hears that their partner has been having an emotional or physical affair is gut wrenching. Some people can heal and become stronger, some people can’t get past the hurt and betrayal and some people stay angry and helpless.

There is no right or wrong answer in how a person deals with infidelity but with the right help and support you can make the informed decisions that is right for you.

Most people are searching for happiness outside of themselves. That’s a fundamental mistake. Happiness is something that you are, and it comes from the way you think