What do selfies really say about you? Do parents really have any clue?

So here I go again… I am on the war path in relation to the ‘selfie’ pics – particularly in relation to young people. You may have already heard me bang on several times about social media, technology and putting the dam phone downs to connect with your loved ones. But today, I am going to write a little something about my front-line exposure to young people of today and what they share with me in relation social media.

As most of you know already I like to conduct social experiments of my own from time to time.  I find it interesting when I ask the same questions to the same group of people about a similar topic and watch what answers present themselves. As I have mentioned previously, a lot of what I practice and have learnt has been from people themselves – rather than a text book (not everything you need to know about people is found in a book – one of my favourite quotes that I banter around from time to time).

Many young people come to see me in my private practice because they are having trouble coping with life. Sometimes these issues are deep rooted and revolve around trauma, abuse and/or mental health. However, a lot of the time our conversations in the vault of counselling involves chats around self-esteem, feeling depressed, anxiety, peer issues, boyfriend issues, girlfriend issues, body image etc. And almost all of these conversations lead to social media….. how social media makes them feel; how they have not received enough ‘likes’; how a negative comment on social media has consumed their week with negative thoughts of self-worth etc etc.

Social media and selfies is intense!!! And I am sorry to be so subjective at this minute, but ‘selfies’ for young people is feeding their feelings of inferiority. I honestly had no idea about the magnitude of this topic!!! And of course, armed with all my information I started enquiring more and asking my friends to talk to their own children about selfies. Particularly, I asked them to have a look at their children’s social media accounts and comment on whether they felt the pictures were appropriate.  Fast forward a few months to now, and the information from all the people that I asked was overwhelmingly, “No, the pictures my child is posting is not always appropriate”.   Now, remember I have teenagers too, so this little experiment also included myself becoming a little more involved in what the kids were posting, what they were seeing and what they ‘liked’.

This isn’t even an ‘According to Jen’ moment… there are loads and loads of literature and research out there that talk about this very topic. There is a mountain of information with demonstrated evidence around the negative impact the obsession with ‘selfies’ is having on the self -esteem and the self-worth of young people of today.

In one of my sessions when I was exploring an Instagram account with one of my clients, she said to me, “…taking selfies is my way to share what I am doing with my family and friends – It is kinda just like Facebook or taking photos on a camera like you did in your day”.  Slight pause……… ”Interesting theory”, I responded. “However, I can clearly remember that I did not ever take sultry pictures of myself and then send them to my relatives via post? And I am not sure my grandmother or even your grandmother would want to see pictures of you in your underwear….or half naked pictures of you in the bathroom or you pulling some ridiculous duck-pout look . Do you?” Silence……………….  A little bit more silence……… “And”, I added, “I am not sure what family member or friend would fulfil any particular need in seeing your arse cheek sticking out? Or pictures of you in your lacy bra? Just saying….”.

Needless to say, defensive conversation ended quickly after that and we broke through the barrier of somehow thinking and justifying that ‘selfies’ were about sharing pictures with relatives and friends.

 

Lessons to Teach our Kids:

  • Talk to your children about all their social media accounts (all of them – even the hidden ones) and how a reasonable person might perceive the pictures.
  • Encourage conversations about how self-worth is not determined by how many ‘likes’ you receive.
  • Teach your children to take pictures of things other than themselves.
  • Talk to your children about how constant selfies is actually about self-objectification. Selfie behaviour only encourages people to view their body as an object based on its sexual worth.
  • Selfie behaviour can become an addiction and has been linked to many mental health disorders including depression, attention seeking behaviour, narcissism and anxiety.
  • Remind your children that often what you see on social media is not the real thing and pictures posted do not give life meaning. Often what people post is an illusion. It is easy to feel jealous at times of other people’s posts but comparing ourselves to others will not offer fulfilment. There is nothing wrong with posting pictures and feeling confident at times, but please encourage our young people to be mindful of the reasons behind the picture.

 

CHALLENGE

Would you allow your work colleagues or strangers to ‘like’ or follow pictures of your child who was posing on social media that sat within the realm of self-objectification?

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Don’t talk to your children about big stuff after 6pm!

According to jen……………

Before you think I have lost my marbles, just hear me out…

On a very practical level it is wonderful that we are all working hard as parents/ carers to talk to our children about feelings, labelling feelings, expressing emotions and keeping open lines of communication. All sounds very positive, research based and well on the way to stronger connection…. However, there is one itty bitty variable that I think parents should consider – Please don’t talk to your children about big stuff after 6pm!!!

Being a working mum with two children, most of my early mum life was spent in a daze of business with constant thought processes involving guilt and not being good enough. As my days were long, the children seemed to have this uncanny knack to start talking about their feelings, their day or something that was bothering them right before bed time!!!! My thoughts often resorted to ‘Are you serious right now, we are going to talk about this NOW?!!!’ or ‘Why did you not bring this up three hours ago when I had time and am not going to collapse with exhaustion?’ But in my true therapy style, I would respond with something motherly and remind myself that I needed to be present, available and grateful that they wanted to talk to me.

These ‘just before bed’ conversations never seemed to end well and everyone seemed to be more emotionally charged. They usually ended in one of the children crying and me abruptly ending the conversation the more it dragged on and then walking away feeling that I still didn’t do a good enough job in holding their feelings or allowing them to share their day.  After many years of this cycle one day I decided that I would actually openly apologise for my behaviour and be open with the kids about how I would try to be more patient, available and understanding about their feelings or issues when they wanted to talk to me. So, I said, “Can we just talk a little more about how you were feeling last night about your friend at school? How are feeling today?” To my surprise I was met, “Oh that was last night… I feel fine about going to school and I am just going to walk away if there is any more drama”. And with that, the conversation was over……

That same afternoon, I decided I was going to experiment with talking to the children earlier in the day or in the morning and keep night time bed routine about sleeping, rather than talking. So, I did just that. I talked to kids about my observations in their own behaviours and I explained that I had seen that they were more emotional about life, friends, school, feelings and just in general after 6pm and as a result we were not going to talk about anything ‘big’ after 6pm. I explained that I would be more than available and happy to listen in the morning or straight after school, but anything after 6pm had to wait to the next day. Mr Seven at the time said, “Oh so you are only a part time parent and I can only talk to you at certain times” (yes, he is smart and quick). I said, “No I am always available and always willing to listen. But when we talk about issues, problems or big feelings at night time, everyone has a harder time settling and handling their feelings”. We came up with a ‘Feelings Box’ instead and this meant if anyone remembered something they wanted to talk about or felt that there was something on their mind at night, then we would write in down and put in the box for discussion the next day.

Example:

Child- “I really miss my dog. Why did he have to go?”

Parent- “Oh I can hear that you really miss our dog. It is okay to miss him. I would really love to talk to you more about this tomorrow. Let’s write this down and talk about it in the morning or tomorrow afternoon. Thank you for sharing how you feel. I am definitely going to help to talk with you about this.”

And so 10 years on, I still sit with the same philosophy and share this parenting hack with my clients. I have worked with thousands of families and I share this explanation with anyone that has children under 18 years. The feedback has been overwhelming positive and I have seen calmer households, more connected children and more responsive families just by being mindful of this little tip. Most households are tired at night and when it is time for bed at least one party is tired. When we are tired we all respond differently, are usually more emotional and have less patience. This same little tip applies for parents wanting to talk to their children – perhaps consider whether night time or near bed time is the best option for you to have conversations about big stuff with your children?

As I was writing this blog, Miss Twelve comes in and says “Oh yeah mum, this was one of your better ideas. Talking about big stuff before bed leaves our minds open about it in our head and we don’t sleep very well….. and we used to get very emotional”.

– Jen

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People Watching – Observations through the eyes of Circle of Security Learnings.

People watching – admit it, most of you love it!!! It is a favourite past time of so many of us. It is so interesting when we get to sit and start watching how other people walk, watch people talk to each other, watch what they are wearing, where they might be working, make up stories about their lives etc etc. Sometimes I look at other couples and think how beautiful it is that they show each other affection and, in that moment look as though they are in love. Other times I watch parents with children and chuckle to myself remembering those developmental stages where the kids chuck a massive wobbly over something small and then parents go red in the face hoping that this ‘stage’ would please end soon. Most of the time, my thoughts are positive and they enter my brain and leave just as quickly……….

My therapist brain, however, sometimes goes into over drive and I find ‘people watching’ fascinating. I like to watch human interaction and make observations on predictable behaviour and patterns I see in behaviour. I enjoy it. I keep learning every day.  I look at body language, listen to tone, listen to the language used in conversations and find myself making assumptions and assessments and then craving to know more. Weird but true. Human behaviour is fascinating to me. And after listening and working with thousands of people over the years, you see patterns emerge quickly and your curiosity grows.  It isn’t about right or wrong, it is just about observing. Sometimes I see things other people don’t and sometimes I want to intervene and make some suggestions about where this continued behaviour could lead (and in case you were wondering, my mouth sometimes does get the better of me and words just come out before I can stop them – foot in mouth disease).

On holiday’s recently I had the awesome opportunity to observe children playing at the park on a daily basis. Our apartment was right opposite a park and everyday it was full of children and families. On any given day, there was loads of interesting stuff happening. On one particular day, I asked my husband to conduct a small social experiment and watch the park with me. I asked him to observe the park and then we would come back together in the apartment and chat for two minutes about what he saw versus what I saw.

This is what my husband observed in a 30-minute period – “a bunch of kids and families playing in the park”. The end. Not quite the conversation I was looking for, but my experiment was interesting.  So, he asked me, “what did you see?” This is what I observed in a 30-minute period:

  • A young dad arrived at the park with his son. The little boy would have been approximately 2 or 3 years old. Dad parked his car, walked to the park with this son, plonked him in the main play area and then went away to an outer seating area and sat watching all the joggers jogging by. His son, fell a few times and got up on his own, he asked his dad to play a few times by attempting to give him his toy truck but his dad remained seated and continued watching other people. Eventually the little boy gave up and sat on his own filling his truck with sand and then emptying it. I found this interaction sad to watch as this little boy really wanted to play with his dad and he didn’t get the interaction he was craving. There was no ‘delight in me’ moments or ‘watch over me moments’. Taking your child to the park and making them play on their own without any interaction is not play, nor is it fun.
  • A mum of two young children under five arrived and assisted her children to take their shoes off and then went and sat on a park bench. Her mobile phone came out of her pocket and she proceeded to watch something incredibly interesting on her phone for the duration of the park play time. One of her children started crying at one point and she looked up, but seeing the child was not in too much distress she quickly returned to her phone. Too often this scenario is all too familiar. Parents take their children to activities and spend the duration glued to their phones. Children want and need interaction from their parents. Watching one of the children hurt themselves and then not seek comfort from his mother, showed me that this had happened a lot in the child’s life and he had learned that his carer (his mother) was not always there to comfort him.
  • There were other older children playing at the park too, but I hadn’t realised they were a family until a short time. They seemed to play on different equipment at the park at varying intervals, however there was one child who wasn’t so keen on playing but rather swinging routinely on the swing without much emotion at all. She was staring ahead intently and then I realised she was watching her parents fighting at a park bench away from the main park. I can’t be sure that they were her parents, but at times the children would run to them and say something or go and get a drink. In any case, there were two adults fighting while the children were playing. My therapist hat wanted to go over to the parents and remind them that although they were arguing at a distance, their non-verbals and body language was speaking a thousand words and one of their children was clearly not able to enjoy her play as she was too worried about her parents. I also wanted to go over to the swing and distract the little girl on the swing with some kind words of reassurance that, ‘sometimes parents fight and it is okay for them to talk things out’. It made me wonder whether this child had anyone to help organise her feelings?
  • At the edge of the park another father arrived with his two younger boys. They would have been approximately 4 and 6 years old or close too. They were running around hitting each other and running into other children and adults while they were dodging hits, slaps and kicks from each other. At different times, the elder boy would start crying and then the younger one would start crying. Clearly their attempt at play was not working and they were fighting with each other with no regard for themselves or the other people that were collateral damage. The father seemed content talking to other women at the park and did not seem to react to his children’s behaviour or cries. When I watched these two boys running around causing havoc, I began to think about what life at school and in other social settings would be like for these children. They had a parent who was not able to set appropriate boundaries or teach them any values around empathy when they hurt other people during their own hostility between each other. The fact that the father did not see an issue with this behaviour and did not attempt to discipline or intervene, concerned me that he had such difficulty in addressing his own children’s anger towards each other and others. Anger was a clearly a feeling that triggered him and he could not deal with.
  • And then there was the ‘helicopter mum’. She was hovering around her daughter who would have been about 3 years old. The mum walked up the slippery dip with her, walked in front of her ensuring the ground was safe, and ignored her child’s pleas for independence. She wouldn’t allow her daughter to swing on the swings and the more she didn’t allow it, the more the child wouldn’t give up on her quest to want to use the swing. Whilst this mum appeared loving and caring in one sense, her over protectiveness showed me that she had difficulty with her child’s need for exploring and seeking independence. This behaviour was more about mum than the child. To me it showed an anxious parent with the hall marks of developing an insecure child, as her mum was teaching her the world is unsafe and you need to stay close to me.

Back in the apartment my husband said “Omg, I am tired just thinking about all that!!!!!”. So, he says, “Okay, I want you to look around the apartment room and tell me what you see?” I spent two minutes talking about a bunch of lights, furniture and some décor. Then he spent the next 10 minutes describing to me in more detail about the lights, the type of lights, the electricity, the air conditioning unit, paint, wall structure, issues he saw and improvements he would make etc.  The point was, when we have a passion or a skill we look at situations, people and things differently.

Observations of people and behaviour is my thing. I use the learnings and skills from the Circle of Security (COS) to work with children, families and couples.  I see things a little differently to other people, but it isn’t about critiquing, it is about sharing what I have learnt, challenging habits and up-skilling where I can.

 

Affirmation: Children don’t say “I had a hard day, can we talk? They say, “Will you play with me?”

– Jen

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Mum Can I Please Talk to You?

According to Jen……….
Now you would think as a therapist that the words “mum can I please talk to you?” would come easy….. but I am a human being with feelings and ‘to do lists’ just like everyone else (I hate to burst your ‘high expectation bubble’ but when I am home my therapy hat goes off). When I am at home and with my kids, I am a mum first and I have big feelings and emotions just like everyone else.

These little “mum can I talk to you” moments seem to always come out at the most inopportune times!!!!! I am sure kids have a radar that suggests they can sense when we as parents are busy, or just sitting down to relax or just about to get on the phone. Our weakest moment when our guard is down is usually when the questions start coming and our little cherubs require our apparent immediate attention. It always seems to be right in the middle of preparing dinner; or paying bills; writing an email or better still when you sit down with your first glass of wine.
At 5pm on a Friday afternoon I hear the statement, “Can we talk?”…….. I have to take deep breaths, quickly remind myself that 84% of communication is non-verbal and make sure I don’t roll my eyes or huff out aloud……So, I look at my child and say a very measured, “sure love, we can talk”.

I brace myself for what we are about to discuss and send reminder notes to my brain that the biggest issue for my child could actually be the smallest most insignificant issue for me. But alas these connections and conversations aren’t about me, it is important to my child so it has to be important to me.   Again, deep breaths for me and a reminder of my COS (Circle of Security – best parenting course ever!!) teaching to be ‘bigger, stronger, wiser and kind’.

And then BOOM!!! ‘The talk’ becomes a critique of something that happened in the house and how it made her feel and how she is struggling within our home (if you must know, on this occasion I was informed that there was “…….too much stress in the house”). So, this session is clearly not an advice moment, a debrief moment or an education moment. It was a moment for me to be willing to reflect and listen to what my child was saying.

When I listen to my children or other children (as a therapist) it isn’t about being right or wrong. It isn’t about whether something happened or didn’t happen. It is about listening to their story that they share and sitting with the child’s interpretation of the event or situation. When you can listen to how and what they walked away from in a situation or how they felt about a situation, then you can empathize, validate and find ways together to move forward (the fancy term is called emotional regulation).

On this particular occasion, I tried very, very hard not to interject and I listened to what my child was saying and needing. And although I really needed to go back and cook dinner, I could see that she was struggling and I needed to be the one to give her time, hold her feelings and help to regulate her feelings. And may I add, it isn’t easy listening to your child critique your home, your interactions, or any comments you may have made!

So, we talked. I apologized that she felt “stressed” at home and thanked her for being honest and talking about how she felt (I was still really needing to get back to the overcooked dinner by this stage).  We talked about that it was okay to be stressed and it was okay for families and households to go through stressful times. I reminded her that adults sometimes needed to talk about things and that children could sometimes misinterpret what was said. I acknowledged that I would be more mindful in the future of what we said, how we said things and when we said things. I also added that it was normal for parents to be annoyed at each other and have differences of opinions (yes yes, the hubby and I were arguing about finances) and it was also healthy for children to see parents argue and to see parents make up!

What I hadn’t realised is that my daughter had a friend at school whose parents recently separated and they were apparently frequently arguing about finances. My daughter had thought that because there was tension in our house about finances then we were somehow on the road to divorce!

This “mum can I talk to you” moment required 15 minutes of my time. It wasn’t a lot of time really and in that moment, I was able to listen to my child’s needs and give her a chance to talk about how she was feeling. I love that my kids are honest and I love that they feel vulnerable enough to open up to me about anything and everything. This relationship and trust has taken many years but it had to start somewhere. As their parent, I am their primary carer and it is my role to show them that they can talk to me, that I will give them time and I am willing to help organise their feelings with them.

I don’t always get it right as a mum, but I am strong enough to say I need some critiquing too sometimes and I needed to be prepared to listen to my child and sit with their interpretations of things. And although my first instinct in this “mum can I talk to you” moment was focused on me and the tasks I needed to do as a mum, everyone was okay. The family survived, the dinner didn’t burn and my daughter skipped away happily after a hug. I thanked her for sharing how she felt and she ran off content.

Then I remember sitting there for a minute feeling guilty and wanting to give myself an upper cut for not seeing how she felt earlier.  So I learnt yet another lesson and I reminded myself I am not perfect but am willing to keep trying….. sometimes when I find myself not having time, I remind myself that I have to make time. These little moments go on to be bigger moments. It wasn’t hard and it only cost me my time.

 

Affirmation: “Our reaction to a situation literally has the power to change the situation itself”

– Jen

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The Video Recording…….. The moment you see yourself through the eyes of your children.

According to Jen……

In my early years as a therapist I honestly thought I got it. I thought my brain was full of wisdom, knowledge, books, articles, conferences, mentors and working with hundreds and hundreds of people,  I thought that I knew it all. I was quietly over confident and I stopped reflecting and I thought I was doing an amazing job as a therapist, as a mum and as a wife. Oh no no no, how wrong I was!!!!!!!

One random day some years ago, whilst doing my routine of chores I stumbled across the family IPAD in my daughter’s room. At the time IPAD’s were a luxury and I felt the kids were too young to have an IPAD of their own so we used to share a family one and have a roster of who used it and what days etc. It was odd that the IPAD was still in her room as our other family rules included when the IPAD was not in use it had to be left in the kitchen on charge. So, I sat on her bed and went through the pictures and video’s she had taken on the IPAD and then I stumbled across a folder of video’s in which both our children had secretly filmed of myself yelling at them and filmed moments where both my husband and I were arguing. It was a HOLY SHIT moment!!!!!

Listening too and watching all those homemade movies made me cry. It was awful to hear and see myself in moments where I was losing my shit and yet at the same time, my recollection would have been that I was actually arguing constructively or parenting the children in a firm yet kind way.

There were video’s where my daughter filmed herself talking to the IPAD and was praying and hoping the arguments would stop. There were other video’s where both our children were talking to the IPAD asking why I was so angry or always unhappy and why I was always yelling. Their words such as “she is always yelling” and “why do my mum and dad fight all the time?” and “I hate listening to this all the time” were difficult to hear. Their little faces and the hurt in their voices cut me to the core, but more than that I hated hearing myself in the background of the IPAD and I hated listening to what I was saying. I was mean, I was yelling and I said some unkind things to the kids. I wasn’t swearing or throwing things or slamming doors and I wasn’t even calling them names. But it was my tone, my voice and my words were nasty. I even looked mean in some of the footage!!! There wasn’t a lot of footage of me or their father in action, but you could certainly hear it and I quickly remembered the arguments and the how’s and the why’s of what was happening on that day. From an adult perspective (well at least mine anyway), I again thought we argued constructively and I remember that our arguments did not go on for a long time. Funny thing was, up until that very moment I actually thought I knew it all, I thought I knew how to communicate, how to constructively work through things and in my mind, we were arguing quickly and effectively as parents and as a couple. I thought I had this whole parenting thing down pat and in my own head I had justified and rationalised my behaviour at the time and walked away from those instances- at the time- thinking and feeling that I had become angry for a reason and that I was ‘helping’ to parent our children in a way that taught them resilience or just to be good people.

I thought about deleting the videos and saying nothing, but the pause button on my daughter’s face pleading for someone to hear her was something I needed to change. So, I went to work on the next Monday and I enrolled in a parenting course. Now, I had completed many parenting course in my time. My role description and type of work required that I kept abreast of parenting strategies, behaviour management techniques and courses around children in general. I went to work looking through a new lens as I wanted to enrol in a course that taught me some parenting skills. I needed more skills in REFLECTION (key word here) and I needed to get off my high horse for a minute and accept the fact that I needed to be challenged, I needed to be more mindful of me and I needed to show my children that things could change.

And thus, came the world of Circle of Security (COS). This course changed my life and changed the way I parented forever. I used the skills in this class to learn ways to understand myself, my triggers and my children’s needs. This course forced me to look at myself and be vulnerable enough to change some things that I had been doing and help my children to know that I could always be the person to hold their feelings and be a person that was more in control of their emotions. After this course, I became a certified trainer and I started shouting it’s teaching from the roof tops!!!!! The content and video recording of real people in this course made it feel like I could accept that I was not alone in my struggles and that it was never too late to start making changes. I used the tools I was taught in the course, and incorporated them within my own home, with all my relationships and with almost every parent-child therapeutic interaction I had as a therapist.

As a parent, we don’t get a manual on parenting and we aren’t performance managed by a boss. We never know what we are doing is okay or if anything is needing improvement because we don’t have anyone telling us. I unintentionally found my daughter’s video’s and her message was loud and clear – shit needed to change and I needed to be the one to change it. I still have the video’s and my children found them only a few months ago. They laugh at them now and talk openly about what they said on the recording. My daughter said it well, “You used to yell a lot mum, but you are way more chilled out now”. Not only did I work on becoming a better version of me, I stopped and made sure I reflected to think about, ‘what would this situation look like through the eyes of my child?’ I spend more time talking things through with the children and ensure that their minds are left hanging with interpretations. I am a therapist, a mum, a wife, a friend and I am still learning everyday.

The lesson for me is that I took the leap to make a change. I stopped blaming everyone else and took a good hard look at myself and what I was bringing to the table. My intentions were always in a good place however, my children’s interpretations of my interactions could not have been further from my desired outcome. I don’t always get it right, but I keep those images of my children in my head and that is all the motivation I need to keep trying harder.

So, whenever I talk to parents in my sessions, I always say “what would you look like if you had a video camera in your home and we pressed play?”

 

Affirmation: “We were born to be real not perfect”

– Jen

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Sleep Deprivation – Worst Torture Ever!!!

According to Jen,

As the name of my blog suggests, I have a theory about sleep deprivation and how the land of modern day has perhaps unintentionally made shit worse for women after they have had children………….. read my comparison below and may your mind ponder a little.

In the 70’s and 80’s when women had babies, their little bundles were whisked away and taken to a nursery.  Babies were brought to their mums to feed and then back to the nursery to be burped and put to sleep. Mums had time for their battered vaginas to heal, they had time to learn to breast feed and more importantly they had time to sleep!!! After 7-10 day’s mum could walk without feeling like she had split in two, she conquered the art of breast feeding and then blissfully skipped out of hospital.
Fast forward 40 years and women are handed their babies straight after birth, left to somehow innately learn to cuddle, soothe and feed and walk around in pain after a vaginal birth or C-section. Usually the milk supply hasn’t come in yet, the adrenaline starts to fade and then BAM!!!!!!- time to be shafted from hospital and sent home to deal with a cute baby who cries, is learning to feed and won’t let you sleep!!!

Modern day sleep deprivation is a killer and I feel underestimated as to how it can make a reasonable person become unreasonable; how it can make you feel like a crazy person; how it can make even the strongest person crumble to a heap into a blubbering mess and how it can make you say and do shit you wouldn’t normally do. I remember thinking I would give my left arm if I could just sleep for a few consistent hours!

Now I pride myself in being able to help people but I have to be honest and say I can’t fix this issue. Issues around sending women home from hospital so quickly after birth is a systemic issue that I unfortunately don’t have that kind of influence over. Sleep deprivation is a killer and it . The only thing I can say that may shed an ounce of positivity, is that it does pass. Sleep deprivation after a having a baby doesn’t last forever – I can promise you that.

What has always surprised me about child birth and stories of new babies is how once I had a baby I was expected to ‘forget’ the pain, gush over a new cute dependent who required 100% attention and focus on the fact that this awesome being relied on me for absolutely everything.  My brain however, forgot to read that memo and was stuck in ‘holy shit I just had a baby…. now what?’

These new overwhelming feelings do pass, but don’t underestimate what sleep deprivation can do to you. In the midst of the craziness and awesomeness of it all, think about considering the following:

  • Rely on family and friends. People often genuinely want to help but don’t know what you want help with. Someone women want friends to hold the baby while they scurry around doing housework. Others want help with the housework and cooking so they can cuddle and enjoy their baby. Be specific and put your hand up.
  • You need time to heal – UMMMMM hello your body has just gone through a tremendous amount of pain. Be kind to it.
  • You are in unknown territory and it is a steep learning curve. When your baby arrives, you are like a first-year apprentice and learning on the job each day.
  • Looking after baby isn’t easy. Let’s be real. Having a baby and caring for it in the first 3-6 months is a tough gig.
  • Pressure to breast feed is intense and insane!
  • Breast feeding is tricky (variables to consider are your baby, their ability to suck, your own breast, its size, the shape and generally how you feel about it). It takes time and practice and it is ok to ask for help.
  • Try breast feeding in different positions. Talk to midwives, child health nurses, parent groups, parent lines etc. Please, please, please remember that Google is not always your friend. Too much information is overwhelming and trying to find the exact information that paints the picture of your baby is exhausting. Sometimes less is more. Facebook isn’t always the best place for advice either. It is always full of happy babies and mothers who pretend to have their shit together and boast of stories of how their baby sleeps 12 hours a night and how beautiful their birth was – the reality is so far from the stuff that it written sometimes.
  • If you choose to bottle feed than good for you. My motto is and always has been, Happy mum happy baby. Happy baby happy mum. I am yet to find any evidence that suggests that children are happier or more educated with breast milk than bottle fed babies. And by the time your kids are in school and then become teenagers no one ever says “oh that is because your child wasn’t breast fed”. No one cares and no one can tell the difference. Do what is right for you.

Dads play a huge role too. They often have a few days or a few weeks off and then BAM they go back to work. Between hormones and sleep deprivation our moods can fluctuate from, ‘We miss you and then we hate you’. Men often get to go back to work, talk to other adults, have your coffee break, go to the toilet alone and have lunch. And as a new mum at home, those small luxuries like talking to adults and weeing in peace are suddenly gone. We love you but hate you and relationships are tested -It is all normal.
Having a supportive partner is the key to sailing through the storm. Remember as women we have nine months to get ready for baby and poor dads really only start when the baby is born. Allow each other time to talk about what you need, what you miss and think about how you both have coped previously when things have sucked. How did you resolve conflict in the past?  I am fairly certain most partners don’t get. It isn’t their fault, they just don’t and they have to be reminded time and time again about what you need and want. Saying ‘I need help’ usually isn’t enough, it might need to sound something like “I need to you bath and feed baby so I can cook dinner” or “I need sleep, you are going to have to do one of the feeds tonight”.

Now as a mother of two teenagers when I walk around the shopping centers and see women with their new babies, I don’t look at the cute little bundle anymore, I think to myself ‘you poor bitch, I hope you are getting enough sleep or I hope at least you are doing okay?’

It does get better I promise you that and sleep deprivation doesn’t last forever.

 

 I never know what to say when people ask what my hobbies are. I mean I am a mum. I enjoy trips to the bathroom alone and silence.

– Jen

 
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