What could you say if your Mate was NOT OK?

According to jen…………

In honor of World Suicide Prevention Day………….

“My mate just told me he isn’t doing too good”

“I am worried for my friend and their state of mind but I don’t know what to say?”

As a front-line therapist, I hear the statement, ‘I didn’t know what to say or how to approach him’, all too often. People phone, make inquiries and ask me all the time, ‘How do I help my friend?’ or ‘How do I get my mate to access help?’ It seems many people genuinely want to help their mates that are in need, or seem a bit depressed, but they just don’t know how. People are either worried about saying or doing the wrong thing or people just don’t seem to know what to say at all.

So, I am going to offer some practical tips on ways to ask questions and really ask someone if they are okay?  And my hope of sharing this little tip sheet is to assist people to help their mate or friend and be able to hold someone’s feelings. The concept of ‘holding someone’s feelings’ means, can you handle what that person has to say?

It is important to note that just because someone has a low mood or is irritable, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they aren’t coping or can’t cope. But if you notice consistent low mood in someone who works with you or is close to you, I would encourage you to trust your gut and take the plunge to sit with your mate and ask them how they are.  Your very own gut instinct has its own internal radar that will send a message to you that screams, ‘something doesn’t feel right’. It you receive this memo in your brain and you have a thought or hint of concern about your mate, then chances are something is off and your mate may need someone to talk to.

RULE NUMBER 1. – Your role in asking your mate if they are OK is not to fix anything, your role is simply to listen,  provide a space for them to talk and perhaps if there is an opportunity, offer suggestions of where to go for support and help.

Research indicates that within Australia one in eight men will have depression and one in five will experience anxiety.  Although statistics are slightly higher for women, men seem to be less inclined to talk or seek help.  Depression is a high risk-factor for suicide and in Australia suicide is the leading cause of death for men under the age of 54 years (www.beyondblue.com).

Questions/Statements to Consider

R U OK? This popular slogan and statement is now encouraged and utilised Australia wide in an effort to help people who may not be coping and provide a space to talk. Beyond Blue and the Black Dog Institute are the backbones of this initiative and the reason we are helping people to talk about how they feel.

Not to be negative nancy, but whenever we have R U OK days at work or nationally, I brace myself for the coming days and weeks.  I often see an influx of people who present to my service who have either attempted to harm themselves or feel an increased lower mood since being asked if they were actually OK. So, in my true inquisitive style, I started probing and asking people why? Why after such a powerful initiative such as R U OK Day would people feel worse? I had my own theories for quite some time, but I was actually surprised when people shared with me that their mood often declined because it was felt, “people can’t handle what I have to say”. 

One particular gentlemen spoke to me after a self-harming attempt. He told me how when he finally had the courage to talk, the looks on his colleagues faces made him feel that he should retract his feelings and not say anything at all. Another man told me how he was dismissed and told to, “cheer up, things aren’t that bad”. Another said, “I tried to say that I was not coping and I wanted to hurt myself and I was told, don’t say such stupid things”.

It is these comments and countless others that have prompted me to write this blog. My contribution to honor World Suicide Prevention Day is to offer some tips to the everyday person on things you could say if you thought, or were told, that your mate was not okay.

Tips:

  • It is okay to be honest and tell the person that you have noticed changes in their behaviour (or mood) that is causing you to be concerned. Eg. “Hey mate. How are you? I know you might be saying everything is okay, but in the last few weeks you seem a little different and down. Is everything really okay? I am always here as your friend….”
  • Try to avoid judgemental or subjective comments about why people may not be coping. Saying things such as “..I don’t know what he has to be depressed about. He has a job, a wife, kids” OR “..saying you wanting to hurt yourself is a cop out”. There are many compounding factors and feelings as to why people feel like they need to hurt themselves. Please be mindful that your role in supporting your mate is not to try and figure out WHY, it is just to sit with them in their pain and offer a listening ear – and perhaps suggestions of support.
  • The is a lot of power in just sitting and listening. It is harder than you think to just sit in uncomfortable spaces and just listen.
  • Please do not underestimate the power of EMPATHY and allowing people to feel while they share their story.
  • If you are going to ask people if they are okay, be prepared to have the time to listen to the answer. Asking someone if you are okay as you are rushing to your car or to an appointment only serves to reinforce to the other person that they are being dismissed.
  • Be mindful of the way you ask. “You are okay aren’t ya mate?” – This comment will elicit a very different response, compared to, “Are you okay? Things just don’t seem ok for you at the moment”.
  • Encourage them to talk to their GP, a counsellor, their partner, their boss.
  • Practical support could include, going to see a health professional with them and helping to make an appointment. It is okay to follow up after the appointment and ask how it went.
  • Suggest 24 hours support numbers or community agencies to assist them so they are not alone.
  • Remember support is about listening, suggesting options for support and not pressuring anyone to make decisions.
  • Stay connected to the person who tells you they aren’t okay. Invite them to social activities, call them and check up on them. Staying connected and making your mate feel like someone cares can sometimes make all the difference.

Above all else, please be mindful that ultimately the decision for someone to end their life or hurt themselves does not rest on you. All you can do is offer support and a listening ear and hope that that will be enough for your mate to shift their thougths.

 

Support Numbers:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

Mensline: 1300 78 9978

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Technology – The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

According to jen……………..

Technology…. it is everywhere. From the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed, we are surrounded by technology. Mobile phones, IPADS, IPODS, laptops, computers and the list goes on.

As an adult who didn’t grow up with technology and didn’t go to school or university with technology it is definitely a phenomenon that has fascinated me. I can appreciate all the wonderful things that technology can bring and I am now one of ‘those ‘ people that takes her mobile everywhere, relies on emails daily and sends copious amounts of text messages to my friends and family. I love that I have information and research at my finger tips and I can see how technology helps people stay connected and how it is needed to ensure businesses thrive.

But what I see, and what I want to talk about is the ugly side of technology. The phenomenon that is slowly progressively becoming a big issue in society and something that is having a profound negative impact on the behaviour and development of children as well as an increasing negative impact on relationships between adults.  I have talked to hundreds of men, women, children and adolescents who have come to see me who are genuinely not coping with things that have been said or posted or insinuated or influenced by technology.  I have talked to parents whose children are glued to technology and struggle to come out of their rooms. Parents are coming to see me wandering what is wrong with their increasing negative behaviour of their children – when they are over using technology for hours and hours at a time. Increasingly in the work place we see young people struggle to have conversations with others and resolve conflict face to face -because it is not in front of a screen! At restaurants and cafes, it is common to see a table of people who aren’t actually talking to each other but are looking down at their phones.

Although technology has a truly beautiful side, we weren’t ever really taught ‘technology etiquette’. Technology (Mobile phones, IPADS, IPODS, laptops, computers) can become an addiction if not monitored effectively. Allowing children and young people to utilise technology for extensive periods of time is damaging their brain development and contributes to a feeling of being addicted. Don’t take my word for it…. Just watch what happens if you took away technology for a few days?

And along with teaching technology etiquette around the amount of time spent on your devices, there also is the conversation around, how and when you respond to messages and comments on social media.  Often when we are emotive we can’t see the forest through the trees and don’t realise that things can go pear shaped very quickly particularly if you are feeling targeted, vulnerable, sensitive, have had a bad day or have poor impulse control. People tend to post things or send a message, not realising that words are incredibly hurtful and they sting… for a long time.  Words can never me taken back and once something is out there on the social media platform, it is out there forever. Photos, comments, sharing private information, saying unkind things, fighting and sharing inner thoughts.  For a while there, I used to think this phenomenon was more about teenagers and their inability to control their impulses. They often say and do stupid stuff without any hindsight or reflective capacity on how their actions affect others – (not entirely their fault as their brain is still developing).  But as the years have rolled on, I have seen more people who are adults and are also caught up in the ‘bad and ugly’ of technology.

So, in my true slanted style, here are some things to consider about technology:

  • There is the Generation of ‘I’ – I , I, I, I. These people tend to talk about themselves all the time or take selfies all the time. They send pictures of themselves eating, buying, going somewhere, pulling faces. They talk about how great they are, how awesome their partners are and only seem to send pictures of themselves or their children in gorgeous clothes, with gorgeous smiles, just being cute and gorgeous. I call these people the generation of ‘I’ cause they are consumed with talking about themselves. There is a lot of research out there that has called this generation the ‘Millennial Generation’ where the addiction to technology is real. Some studies have spoken about how the addiction to technology is as real as an addiction to drugs or alcohol. MRI scans of the brain and science has stated that the use of technology and receiving messages and texts releases dopamine in the brain (the feel-good hormone) and this is one of the reasons people feel so addicted to their technological devices. In essence, it makes people feel good to receive a message or a ‘like’ or a text or a reaction to their posts. So, this feeling slowly becomes an addiction and it is difficult to stop and slow down. Psychologists and therapists are now increasingly treating children and people for the addiction of technology.  The impact on children’s developing brains is profound and without effective monitoring, rules and boundaries these addictions ripple into behavioural issues, emotional issues and an inability to function or communication without technology.  As parents and adults, it is our role to teach and role model that there is more to life that status updates, more to life that taking pictures of yourself and more to life than talking about yourself all the time.  A question to consider, “What are constant selfies really saying about you?”
  • Social Isolation Generation– These people tend to sit behind some sort of technology and feel comfortable communicating, interacting and being part of the world only through a computer screen. Sad, but true. This phenomenon is becoming very popular amongst young people as they have found a way to talk or engage without having to leave the comfort of their room. And whilst there are some positives here as well – I concede that some communication and interaction is better than none at all- I have found an increasing number of parents who have come to see me who are worried about their children as they enter adulthood. Technology can be fun and allows you to read books on it, listen to music on it, talk to friends on it, learn on it etc. But all things in moderation. If you or your loved ones are spending so much time on technology and would rather talk to a computer screen than talk to someone in person, than we may have a slight problem. The Social Isolation Generation I have found are often fundamentally lonely and find it easier to try and engage with people behind a screen. This generation of people find it difficult to talk to face to face, find it hard to make new friends, have a difficult time resolving conflict and seem to only find a voice behind a screen. Challenge to self – put the screen down and try communicating face to face.
  • Balls Behind the Screen – These people seem to find it funny or amusing that they critique others or see fit to comment on people’s social medium. I have heard the comments, “I was just being honest” and “if they didn’t want people to comment then they shouldn’t post it”. Ummmm, I don’t think so people. If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say it at all. Sure, you can be honest, but you don’t need to be intentionally hurtful. This is a topic that all families need to talk about within the home. Talk to your kids about how you handle adversity and when they receive social media that is unkind or hurtful. Model to them how you would handle these situations. It isn’t talked about enough and cyber bullying is a real problem around the world.
  • Switch it Off and Develop Some Rules and Boundaries – Technology doesn’t need to be on all the time. Within our home I turn the WIFI off at 8pm every night. It isn’t because I am trying to save on electricity, it is because I am trying to teach the children that they need to give their brains a rest. Whatever happened at school doesn’t need to keep happening when they come home. And whatever happened at school can be dealt with when you get to school the next day. I have all their technology charged on the benches at home and I never leave technology in their rooms at bedtime. I can almost hear some whispers that are saying “control freak”…… there is an element of control here, but our household rules has and always has been that it is our role as parents to encourage routine and rules – some will make sense and some wont, but ultimately they have to respect them. I have been doing it for so long now that it is like brushing their teeth. They get off technology at 8pm and they know I will lose my shit if I find technology in their rooms at bed!!!

 

Implementing any change is tricky….. Talk to your kids and/or your partner and challenge them to do something different.  I could go on forever, but this blog is already turning into ‘War and Peace’. LOL.

– Jen

 

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According to Jen

 

These blogs are a chance to share my thoughts, experiences and stories with others. Please be mindful that I am not professing to know it all and I am by no means saying that I am right. It is my hope that these stories, lessons and perils of thought may help or challenge your thoughts in some way. Yes, I have a business and yes I am therapist, but let’s be clear from the start that I am not trying to sell anyone anything. As a human being I am not a fan of being pushed into things, told to do something or made to feel like I am talking to sales person. I am not here to sell anything, just to share and to help. I am here to help cause I genuinely think I can help.

Sometimes I am going to write about me and sometimes I am going to write about what I have learnt from working with others. Since before I had children of my own I have always worked with children and families. I find the interactions of children and care givers and adult relationships and dynamics so fascinating. This passion has not waned and it brings me today where I hope my challenges, experiences and exposure to people can help you or someone you know in some way.

So here goes……Life is a bitch………..good times and bad times. Fun times, challenges, changes, reflections, mistakes. But I live by the notion that you learn from your mistakes and the shit that happens in your life will only make you stronger if you learn from it.

Hmmmm where to start? What to write? Should I keep this stuff for myself or should I pass on my worldly notions, useless wisdoms and highly slanted opinions to others and to my children – wonder whether reading my inner thoughts and information- that will now sit on the internet forever- will change the way they think of me in the future? Oh well, here goes……………..

The journey into late 30 something hood has been an interesting one. Life somehow changes and you see things differently. Things I thought I wouldn’t like, I like now. People who have been in my life for a long time are being pushed out of my ‘friendship door’ and I seem to look at life differently, I value my own opinions and judgements and somehow life just seems a little clearer. I turned a corner, jumped a fence and a light went off in my brain!!! I am a resilient, mindful person that focuses fiercely on strengths (but let’s be clear, I am not a robot and despite my acceptance of who I am, I do continue to make many mistakes and I have moments too where the world isn’t always peachy).

Parenthood is definitely the hardest gig I have ever entered into and remains the one entity that can give me the most amount of joy and yet the most amount of heartache all at the same time. I am mother of two children and I have learnt a lot from watching them, interacting with them and observing their behaviour – they often joke that they have been my little experiments. What I thought I wanted for them when they were born is not what I want for them now. As their mum, I want my kids to be happy, content, positive, healthy people. It doesn’t matter to me if they are rich, if they are not the smartest, not the sportiest or who they fall in love with. I suppose I have figured out that I just want them to good people. It has become my belief that it isn’t all about their grades that help shape them, it is more about nurturing their personalities and teaching them to be kind, reflective, nurturing and just good people. It is their personalities that will help them through life and allow them to grow into people that will be happy that I know I will be proud of.

From the moment they were born, there was almost this immediate pressure to have a ‘good’ baby. What that actually means is anyone’s guess? People will ask you questions about whether you breast feed or bottle feed? Whether your baby sleeps through the night? Whether your baby is talking, walking, writing, swimming etc etc- the list goes on and on. What I know now and didn’t know then is it is LOVE and TIME that actually really matters. Understanding your baby’s cues and being there-really there- in the moment is what really matters. I get that it all sounds airy fairy, but attention, laughter, time and love is all that really matters. Creating memories and exposing them to life’s adventures are all the things that count. I tested this theory a few years back when I asked my eldest what he received for his forth birthday. He contemplated for a moment and said “I can’t remember what I got for my birthday, but I remember we used to go the beach a lot with you and dad. He taught me to surf. Remember?” Kids don’t remember stuff, they remember memories and experiences and time with you.

As my children got older the competition among parents continued to silently exist. I still see it and hear amongst the sporting arenas and at school (these are the times I am grateful I am working mum but my clients tell me their experiences and I understand that it is still there, fierce as ever). “My son got mostly A’s this term. What did your child get?” or “how did they go in NAPLAN?” – who cares!!!!!!!!!!! My father always taught me that he would be proud of me as long as I tried my best and this is one of the firm values that I still hold true and hope to pass on to my children to embrace and really understand. To be truthfully honest when I see my children’s report cards, I don’t really care. Well, to be fair it gives me a gauge of where they are at and whether they are paying attention in class. Don’t get me wrong, I want them to learn and try hard, but school is only a small part of their life and I have learnt that it is not a determinant of success. Who defines success anyway? What makes someone successful? Earning lots of money? Having lots of stuff? Getting married? Having children? FYI none of these items alone determine success. What determines success –according to jen – and what I would like to share, is that success is defined only by YOU!!! You determine your destiny, you determine your success and only you can determine your happiness. Success is a feeling.

Don’t get me wrong, schooling and education set foundations for growth, but it is life’s lessons, mistakes and seizing opportunities that determine success. I guess what I am hoping is that my success will be my kids. My success will be my role as their mum. My success will be their happiness and whether I fulfil my end of the bargain in helping them to become positive, happy, healthy people.

 “Motivated people – Have a dream. Love their goal. Show passion and enthusiasm. Have a plan. Activate their plan. Stay positive. Never give up”

– Jen

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